Something Beautiful
by Princess Oats 435
Summary: She wished that she could take away his past. She wished that she could go back and time and replace all the terrible things that he had seen and had happened to him in his life. She wished that Ryan was her son by blood.
1. Something beautiful

Okay so I was inspired by the quote by _Donnie Darko_, and thought that I would give it a try. It's a little strange, I know, but it popped into my head, and I thought it was interesting. Oh, and because I'm in denial, it takes place during the first season. Marissa and Ryan are together, as are Seth and Summer. There is no Rebecca, and no Lindsay, because I have to say, I hate Rebecca, and I'm starting to not like Lindsay either. I used to, but lately she's been irritating me. Anyway, let me know what you thought. Thanks!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

* * *

_"...what if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?"_ – _Donnie Darko_

* * *

"Good morning sweetheart," Sandy Cohen leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his wife's lips. Kirsten didn't open her eyes, but smiled.

"Mmm, I could get used to waking up like that," she said.

"Are you going to get up?" Sandy asked, amusement tingeing his voice.

"No," Kirsten said. "No I don't think I will." She opened her eyes and smiled at him again. "I was thinking of just staying here all day."

"All alone?" Sandy grinned at her.

"No," she repeated. "I was thinking you could join me…" He leaned down and kissed her and very reluctantly pulled away.

"As tempting as that is," Sandy said. "And trust me sweetheart, it's pretty damn tempting. We need to get up." Kirsten sighed. "The boys are making you breakfast, and they're about to come up and bring it to you in bed, and I came up first to make sure you were decent." Kirsten grinned.

"Well, can you hand me my nightgown then?" She requested. "Because if you remember correctly, I am not decent right now."

"I remember," Sandy said winking at her. He got off the bed and walked over to the chair where he had tossed her nightgown the night before. He grabbed her robe, and carried both over to the bed handing them to his wife. She slipped the nightgown over her head first, and then pulled the robe tightly around her.

"Thanks sweetie," she said as Sandy slipped in the bed beside her. He kissed her and ran a hand through her blonde, disheveled hair. They were interrupted from going any further by a knock on the door.

"There they are," Sandy said standing up to open the door.

"Happy Birthday!" Seth cried as he and Ryan stepped into the bedroom. Seth was holding a tray of food, and Ryan trailed behind with a pile of presents.

"Oh thank you guys!" Kirsten exclaimed. Seth handed her the tray before plopping himself down on the bed. Ryan set the packages gently next to her, and then just as gently, lowered himself onto the corner of her bed.

"Food or presents first?" Sandy asked.

"Oh, like you even have to ask," Kirsten replied. "Presents, of course."

"Of course," Sandy repeated grinning. He produced a small box. "This is from me." She smiled at him and tore open the wrapping paper. Kirsten opened the box and gasped.

"Oh Sandy! It's gorgeous!" She said pulling out the necklace. He handed her another box, about the same size, which she opened to reveal a matching bracelet, and the third box held matching earrings.

"You like it?" Sandy asked smiling, knowing what the answer would be. She had pointed it out a week previous when they just _happened _to pass a jewelry store. She also just _happened_ to mention that if someone was going to buy her a gift, something like that would be perfect. Sandy would have been a complete idiot to mess this one up. Too many years previously he had gotten her what he thought she might want, only to find out that what he thought and what was reality were very far off from each other.

"I love it," she grinned at him and leaned in and gave him a kiss. Seth allowed the kiss to last a few seconds and then cleared his throat.

"That's enough," he told them handing his mother a box. "This is from me and Ryan."

"Actually," Ryan spoke up. "It's just from Seth. I got you my own present." Seth looked at him with confusion written on his face, but Ryan just shrugged in return.

"Okay, fine then," Seth corrected. "It's just from me. Happy birthday." Kirsten opened the present to find her favorite perfume, she had assumed that Sandy had helped him out with that one, and another package revealed a CD from some band that Kirsten had never heard of. "That's supposed to help you cultivate better music taste."

"Thank you sweetheart," Kirsten said and Seth allowed her to give him a hug. It was Ryan's turn, and he looked somewhat embarrassed as he handed her the wrapped present. It was flat, and she glanced over at Ryan bewildered.

"It's just…something small…I…" He trailed off, and refused to meet her eye. Kirsten opened the paper and pulled out a gorgeous picture frame. But it wasn't the picture frame that caught her eye and made her eyes tear up, it was the picture inside.

It was Ryan. Only younger.

He looked to be about eight or nine, and he was standing with his hands shoved into jeans pockets, squinting in the sun, his hair even blonder, but with the same wary and slightly cynical look that he had now.

"Oh Ryan…" she started.

"I just figured…you might want a picture of me when I was little. I called Teresa's mom and asked her to mail it to me." He noticed the tears in her eyes, and immediately berated himself silently for giving her such a terrible present.

"I'm sorry, it's stupid…I'll…"

"No," Kirsten interrupted. "I love it, thank you so much honey." She leaned over and pulled him to her, hugging him tightly. There was a silence that fell over the four, until finally Sandy spoke up.

"You better eat your breakfast honey, before it gets cold," he suggested. Kirsten nodded, and smiled at the breakfast that they had made for her. As she ate, and Seth rambled, she noticed that Ryan was quiet, but seemed relieved that she had liked his present.

"Thank you so much," Kirsten said after she was done.

"No problemo," Seth replied. "Happy birthday." He took the tray, and leaned in and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek.

"Happy birthday," Ryan echoed.

"Thank you Ryan." The boys left the room and closed the door behind them leaving just Sandy and Kirsten alone.

"I should get up and shower," Kirsten said throwing her legs over the side of the bed.

"Need some company? Besides," he crossed over to her. "I still need to give you your birthday kisses." Kirsten laughed, took his hand and led him into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

Happy birthday indeed.

* * *

The doorbell rang, and Ryan, since he was the only one dressed and ready for the party, ran to answer it. Caleb stood there, and he gave Ryan a nod as he stepped inside the house.

"Where's the birthday girl?" Caleb asked.

"Right here," Kirsten spoke up as she appeared in the living room. She looked gorgeous. Her blonde hair was curled and fell onto her shoulders, and she had opted for a blue dress that matched her eyes perfectly.

"Happy birthday Kiki," Caleb said giving his daughter a hug and a kiss. He handed her a present and she thanked him and led him into the house.

"Ah, I thought I heard your voice," Sandy said coming down the stairs.

"Sanford," Caleb acknowledged.

"Cal," Sandy echoed in the same tone that Caleb had said his. Kirsten placed a hand in Sandy's and gave it a squeeze, and he remembered that he had promised to be on his best behavior with Caleb that night. It was part of his birthday present to her. "Can I get you a drink?" Kirsten shot her husband a grateful smile, and he gave her hand a squeeze back. He led Caleb away to where they had the bar set up, and Kirsten went back to finish putting her new jewelry on before the rest of the guests arrived.

When the doorbell rang again, it was Seth who answered.

"Hey Cohen, where's your mom?" Summer asked as soon as she stepped in the door with Marissa.

"Well, hello to you too darling," Seth replied sarcastically. Kirsten appeared on the stairs.

"Happy birthday Kirsten," Marissa said smiling.

"Happy birthday! I love that dress!" Summer squealed.

"Thank you girls," Kirsten beamed back at them and Seth rolled his eyes. When Kirsten walked away, Seth turned on Summer.

"Way to suck up to my mother."

"I'm not sucking up," Summer defended. "It's a gorgeous dress, and it's her birthday. And besides, she may be my future-mother-in-law, it's good to start to foster a good relationship for the future." The three walked out to the back where the party was and where Ryan was watching on amused as Sandy tried to retain his cool with Caleb. Kirsten walked over to her husband and father and Sandy slipped his arm around her waist. He knew that once most of the guests started to arrive, he would get very little time again with his wife. Not that they hadn't had some time before the party. They ended up having to shower twice, and for once Seth didn't mention that he hadn't seen his parents all morning. Maybe it was because it was Kirsten's birthday. Maybe it was because he hadn't let himself think about what was going on in their bedroom.

When Caleb walked away to replenish his drink, Sandy murmured into Kirsten's ear.

"You look beautiful tonight, did I mention that yet?" She blushed a little, and was amazed that after all these years, his compliments still sent a shiver down her spine.

"You might have," she grinned at him.

"Kirsten!" They were interrupted by the first set of Newpsies arriving, and Kirsten leaned in and gave her husband a kiss on the cheek before being led away to what Sandy had years ago named the "throes of darkness." He watched as she embraced Cookie, or Kitty, or something that ended with a "y" and wasn't actually a name, and then he went to refill his drink.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Ahh," Kirsten said taking off her shoes and rubbing her feet. "I'm so exhausted." Sandy came behind her, and began to massage her shoulders. He lowered a kiss onto her shoulders.

"Did you have a nice birthday?" He asked.

"I did," she smiled. He stopped massaging and began to change into his pajamas. Kirsten stood up and slipped off her dress and rummaged through her dresser for something to wear to bed. Her eyes caught the picture of Ryan that she had set on top and she stopped what she was doing.

"What's the matter?" Sandy asked noticing the look on her face. She sighed.

"I wish…look at him in this picture Sandy," Kirsten said picking it up. "Look at the look on his face. It's like…he's already seen too much in the world. He's eight! I just..." She trailed off, and looked at her husband. "I wish we would have gotten to him sooner. I wish…I wish that he was really ours and that he never had that look. He never had to see the things that he saw." He crossed over to her and pulled her close to him.

"I know sweetheart," Sandy whispered into her ear. "I wish that too." Kirsten let out a shuddering sigh and buried her head into Sandy's sweater.

Sometimes she forgot that Ryan didn't belong to her. Sometimes she forgot that he had spent the majority of his life with other people, and that the damage that they had done was irreparable.

She wished that she could take away his past. She wished that she could go back and time and replace all the terrible things that he had seen and had happened to him in his life. She wished that Ryan was her son, by blood.

"Let's go to bed," she said finally. She placed a kiss on her two fingers and then placed her fingers over top of the little Ryan in the picture.

* * *

The next morning, Kirsten woke up alone in her bed. Sandy had mentioned hitting the waves so she wasn't surprised. She got out of bed and pulled on her robe and headed down to the kitchen. Both Ryan and Seth were eating cereal, slurping it in at an alarming speed.

"Good morning boys," she said smiling at them.

"Morning," Seth mumbled. Ryan raised his hand slightly in greeting. The back door opened and Sandy came in. He went to Kirsten and gave her a kiss good morning, to which both Seth and Ryan groaned at. Kirsten was slightly surprised. Ryan usually didn't participate when Seth whined about his parents.

"Morning honey," Sandy said as he reached for the coffee pot. "How's the day after your birthday shaping up to be?"

"Well I woke up alone," Kirsten said smiling at him so that he would know that she was teasing. "So not the greatest."

"Hey, Summer's skipping school today, and Marissa's mad at me, so can one of you drop us off at school this morning?" Ryan asked.

"I have a meeting," Sandy said shrugging.

"Mom?" Ryan turned to Kirsten and she was so startled that she almost dropped her coffee mug.

Mom? He had called her mom? There had been no hesitation, there had been no awkwardness. It had simply rolled off his tongue as if he always called Kirsten that.

"Um…what?" She looked at Sandy and Seth to see if they had any reaction to that word, but Seth continued to eat his cereal, and Sandy was fixing himself a bagel.

"Can you drop us off at school?" Ryan repeated.

"Oh yes, sure," Kirsten nodded. Ryan grinned.

"Dad?" Ryan questioned Sandy, Kirsten felt her heart thud in her chest. Dad. Mom. What was going on? Why wasn't anyone else confused by this? "Tonight? Harbor versus Greenfield?" What was he talking about? Soccer? He had quit soccer after Luke moved away.

"I'm there, kid," Sandy said smiling. "Maybe I'll even talk your mom and brother into going."

"Doubt it," Seth spoke up. "I've been to enough of those games over the years. I've done my time. I only show up for championships now." He got off the stool. "I better go finish getting ready."

"Yeah, me too," Ryan chimed in, and instead of heading towards the pool house, he followed Seth up the stairs, and they could hear them arguing good-naturedly about Ryan's soccer game.

Sandy looked over at his wife concerned.

"Honey? What's the matter?"

"Ryan…he called me mom…"

"Well, yeah," Sandy said laughing a little bit. "He usually does. You did give birth to him. Sure there was that short period when he was thirteen that he thought it would be cooler to call you Kirsten, but…" He trailed off and lifted his hand to her forehead. "Are you okay? You look sort of pale. Why don't you go back to bed? I'll just call and tell them I'm going to be a little late and take the boys to school." Kirsten was numb, she managed to nod slightly and headed towards her bedroom. Pausing in the living room, she noticed the pictures for the first time.

Ryan when he was five with his arm resting on Seth's shoulders as the two grinned into the camera. Kirsten holding two babies in her arms looking exhausted but happy in the hospital. Ryan and Seth in little suits when they were eight. Ryan in his soccer uniform at age thirteen.

Kirsten's head spun and before she knew it the world turned black and she hit the ground.

* * *

So that's the start. A little strange, I know, but let me know if you like it so far, and if you think it's interesting or not. Anyway, review please! Thanks! 


	2. Dream world

Thank you so much for reviewing, that was so totally awesome! I am currently having a nervous breakdown from the amount of school work that I have to do, and somehow that corresponded into me writing another chapter. Ah, brilliance always comes to you when you have so much else crap to do. Anyway, let me know what you thought, and I have to go back to studying for my midterm and starting my ten page paper due tomorrow. Make me feel better please about sucking at life!

Disclaimer: Oh right, they aren't mine.

* * *

_Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world- The Matrix_

* * *

Sandy watched his wife walk away. She was certainly acting strange that morning. Maybe she wasn't feeling well, maybe that would explain her odd behavior. He watched her in the living room as she looked at the pictures on the mantel, and he had barely enough time to react as he watched her wobble and then hit the floor.

"Kirsten!" Sandy yelled out running into the living room. He picked her up and placed her on the couch, feeling her forehead. "Kirsten, honey?" She moaned and opened her eyes again. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" She tried to sit up, and felt dizzy again. When Sandy helped her sit up, Kirsten looked at the picture on the end of the table. It was a family portrait that she had never seen before. Her and Sandy, and Seth…and Ryan taken when the boys seemed to be about ten. It came back to her, Ryan calling her Mom, Sandy looking at her like she was crazy for suggesting that Ryan call her something other than that. "Oh my God." She raised her hand to her mouth.

"What's the matter?" He asked furrowing his eyebrows in concern. Kirsten shook her head. She wasn't crazy, right? When she had gone to bed, Ryan had been just her foster son. She loved him like a son, but he wasn't actually her child. But now…now there were pictures of him when he was little with her and Sandy and Seth. And he had called them Mom and Dad…and…Kirsten was so confused.

"I'm sorry, I just felt a little dizzy," she assured him. "I'm fine." The look on Sandy's face told her that he didn't quite believe her, but he didn't argue with her, instead nodded.

"Well, you are definitely not going to work today," Sandy told her. "You are going to rest today." Kirsten didn't try to argue back, she knew that it was futile.

"Mom? You ready?" Seth asked coming into the living room.

"I'm going to drive you to school," Sandy said. "Your mother isn't feeling well." Sandy stood up, but not before leaning down and placing a kiss on Kirsten's forehead. "Go get your brother and meet me at the car."

"Okay, hope you feel better Mom," Seth told her before disappearing from the room. Sandy helped Kirsten to her feet and with a precautionary arm around her waist, led her upstairs to their bedroom and tucked her in.

"I'll call and check-in in a little while," Sandy told her, leaning down and placing a kiss on her lips. "Get some sleep." Kirsten waited until she heard the car door slam and the car start before she threw the covers off of herself and hurried downstairs. There were pictures everywhere. A happy family.

A happy, complete family.

It occurred to her that Ryan would have a bedroom in the house, and not the pool house. She remembered him following Seth up the stairs that morning, and she hurried up the stairs and opened the door next to Seth's.

It was a boy's bedroom. A typical teenage boy's bedroom. Ryan had kept the pool house spotless, and while Rosa had always helped Seth keep his somewhat clean, you were bound to find some stray articles of clothing, or hidden dirty dishes somewhere in his room. This bedroom was the same way.

A half-filled glass of water was sitting on the nightstand, and an empty glass was sitting next to a plate full of crumbs by the computer. Kirsten spotted a dirty soccer uniform on the top of the pile of clothes in the hamper, and a notebook was lying on the floor open to some page with what looked like jelly stains. Ryan was always meticulous with his school work. Kirsten shook her head, and continued her search around the bedroom. She felt fairly guilty about snooping, but not guilty enough to stop looking. She wandered closer to the desk and saw pictures of him and Marissa, and him with Luke in their soccer uniforms. A surf board was resting against the wall by the closet, and Kirsten saw two framed pictures on his desk. One was of what looked to be Ryan at about fourteen with Sandy on the beach, each holding a surfboard and grinning at the camera, and the other was of her and a three-year-old version of Ryan. They were sitting on a swing facing one another, both heads thrown back in laughter.

Kirsten felt the sudden need to sit down, and plopped down on the computer chair. What was going on? Her head was spinning, and it took a minute for her to be able to stand up again.

The next place she headed was down to the family room. She walked over to the cupboard where they stored all their home videos and pulled out the crate of tapes. Familiar looking tapes that she knew had once said, "Seth's birthday" now stated, "Seth and Ryan's birthdays" in her own handwriting. Pulling out the first one, she quickly stuck it in the VCR and pressed play.

"Ryan honey," she heard her voice instruct. "Look at Mommy. Look at Mommy, Ryan." The one-year-old grinned at the camera and stuck out his hands to be picked up. When Kirsten didn't right away, the grin disappeared and was replaced by a pout.

"Momma," he whimpered.

"Sandy. Can you take the camera?" There was some shuffling around and the camera was handed off to Sandy, and Kirsten, sixteen years younger, appeared on screen. She picked up Ryan and turned to face the camera.

"Kirsten, make him say something," Sandy's voice instructed.

"Ryan, baby, say hi to Daddy," Kirsten said picking up Ryan's hand and trying to make him wave. Ryan, instead, buried his head in Kirsten's shirt.

The phone rang and Kirsten paused the tape and picked it up. Her hands were trembling.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, how are you feeling?" Kirsten wondered if she should tell the truth. Well, honey, I woke up this morning and found out that I gave birth to our foster son and no one seems to be concerned about this except for me.

"Much better," she lied.

"Good," Sandy said. "I'm getting out of here a little early to make it to Ryan's soccer game, did you want to come?"

"Oh, um, sure," Kirsten said. She wasn't sure if this was normal behavior or not. Did she go to her son's games? She was sure she must have when he was little, but did she now that he was older? There was so much that she didn't know. She pinched herself for what felt like the thousandth time that day to make sure that she wasn't dreaming.

"Great," Sandy said and she could feel his grin through the phone. Maybe she didn't normally go to Ryan's soccer games. "I'll swing by and we can go together then."

"Okay," Kirsten replied.

"I love you, I have to go. Get some rest."

"I love you too, bye," she said softly hanging up the phone and pressing play on the VCR. She watched as the boys opened their birthday presents, and blew out the candles on their cake. When the tape ended, she stuck in the next one and watched their first Christmas, and then the next tape showed their second birthday.

Kirsten sat there all day watching the tapes. She only paused briefly to run and take a shower and get dressed. She watched tape after tape and wondered how this was all happening. It couldn't just be an elaborate prank. It just couldn't. That would be too cruel.

Kirsten wasn't even aware that she was crying, until the front door opened and Seth walked in after school.

"Mom? What's the matter?" He asked. Seth spotted the home videos and understood. His mother got nostalgic from time to time, and she must have that day. He walked over and stopped the tape.

"Hi honey," she said softly as she wiped away the tears.

"Is this what you've been doing all day?" Seth asked with a small smile on his face. Kirsten just nodded, and stood up and folded the blanket that had been on her lap. She took a deep breath and smiled at her son.

"How was school today?" She asked as she headed into the kitchen.

"Eh. It was school," Seth shrugged as he pulled out the milk carton from the refrigerator and took a drink.

"Seth, cup please," Kirsten instructed. Seth, of course, ignored her. It was almost relieving to see that some things hadn't changed. "Do you want to come to the soccer game tonight?"

"Can't, I promised Summer I'd help her with her history homework," he said. "Why are you going? I thought you and I had a pact, only championship games?" It was Kirsten's turn to shrug.

"I don't have anything to do tonight," she informed her son. The front door opened again before Kirsten had to search for any more excuses and Sandy breezed in.

"Hey kiddo," he said to Seth before continuing over to give Kirsten a kiss on the cheek and to feel her forehead. "You coming?"

"Alas, Father, no I am opting out of watching the athletic Cohen show off." There was no bitterness in his voice, and Kirsten found herself praying that Seth and Ryan's relationship was exactly the same in this alternative reality that she had found herself in. Sandy just laughed as he grabbed something to eat.

"You almost ready to go honey?" he asked Kirsten.

"Oh…yeah, let me just grab my sunglasses," she said as she went upstairs and wiped any traces of tears away. Sandy hadn't noticed her red eyes, and she didn't want to have to answer any more questions. When she went back down, Sandy was holding his keys and had his sunglasses on and smiled at her. She slipped the sunglasses over her eyes and smiled back at him.

"Let's go," she requested.

She didn't know why this was happening, or how long it would last for, but for the time being, she was going to enjoy it.

* * *

"Go!" Kirsten screamed jumping up from the bleachers. "Go! Go! Go!" Ryan raced across the field, dodging the other team's players as he headed towards the goal. Sandy was standing up next to her screaming; actually all the Harbor parents were standing up next to them screaming. When Ryan scored the goal, the Harbor fans went nuts, and Carson Ward clapped Sandy on the shoulder.

"A born athlete you've got there," he told him.

"I don't know where he got it though," Sandy said laughing.

"From me," Kirsten spoke up, surprising herself as everyone laughed. After the game was over, Ryan jogged over to them.

"Mom!" He grinned. "You came." The mom part still threw her off a little, but she recovered quickly.

"Of course, honey," she said. "You were so great!"

"Hey how about some pizza to celebrate?" Carson Ward said slapping a hand on Luke's back. Kirsten wondered suddenly if everyone still knew that he was gay. "I'll call the wife and let her know." Apparently not, she thought to herself. What else had changed? Julie and Jimmy, were they still married?

"Sure," Sandy said. "I'll call Seth and see if he wants to meet us." Kirsten put her arm around Ryan as they walked to the car.

"You were awesome," she told him.

"Thanks," he replied. She was struck how different this Ryan was from the Ryan that she knew. The Ryan that she knew would have blushed at the compliment, and hung up his head. This Ryan grinned at her. This Ryan was used to compliments, and especially compliments from his mother.

His mother. That was what she was. Unbelievable.

"Hey, Seth's going to meet us there with Summer," Sandy reported.

"Ryan!" Marissa jogged over to the Cohens and threw her arms around him. "You were great."

"I thought you were mad at me," Ryan asked, but he was grinning. Marissa just smiled and slapped him lightly on the arm. "Want to come to get pizza with us? Summer and Seth are meeting us."

"Sure, if it's okay with your parents," Marissa said.

"Of course honey," Kirsten said. "Do you have your car here?"

"No," Marissa shook her head, a flash of something crossed her face. Sadness? Had Kirsten said something wrong? She looked at Sandy, but his face revealed nothing. "My dad dropped me off."

"Well, then you can ride with us," Sandy said and the four headed towards the car. He opened the door for Kirsten who climbed in, and was suddenly hit by a memory.

_Seth and Ryan running around the back yard. They were maybe four? Five? Sandy was chasing them with a squirt gun, and Ryan ran to Kirsten and hid himself behind her._

_"Save me Mommy!" He cried, and she laughed and placed an arm around him._

_"Come out and face me like a man," Sandy teased his son laughing. He lifted the squirt gun up so that it was pointed at Kirsten. "Or else your Mommy gets it."_

_"Sandy," Kirsten warned. "You wouldn't dare."_

_"Don't touch Mommy!" Ryan cried out protectively, throwing himself in front of his mother and giggling as the water hit him. "Daddy! Stop, get Seth!"_

"Kirsten, honey? Are you okay?" Sandy shook her gently and she looked at him and saw the concerned look on his face.

"Yes," she said shaking her head. "Um, I'm fine."

"You got this glazed look on your face," Sandy said frowning at her.

"Oh, I was just remembering something," she told him. He nodded and kissed her cheek before starting the car. Kirsten turned to look out the window and tried to reorganize her thoughts.

What did it mean that she was remembering things from a past that she was almost positive that she had never had?

* * *

So please let me know what you thought, and I'm going to continue my nervous breakdown…wish me luck. Thanks! 


	3. Perfect, right?

Thank you so much for reviewing! You guys are so totally awesome. So I just saw _Finding Neverland _and it's amazing. It's my pick of the week. Although, I warn you, I wept like a small child. Anyway, please let me know what you think of this chapter, and thank you again for reviewing!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

* * *

When they arrived at the pizza place, Seth and Summer were waiting for them with two tables. One for the adults, and one for the kids. And Kirsten had to smile when she noticed that the two were no where near each other. 

"Did we win? Otherwise, I don't want to talk to you," Summer warned Ryan. Kirsten grinned; apparently Summer was still the same.

"We won," Luke spoke up. "Thanks to Cohen. He was amazing. He zigged in when they zagged out, and zagged out when then zigged in. Incredible." A trace of Kirsten's old Ryan resurfaced, as he blushed a little. Seth clapped his hand on his brother's back.

"Way to go buddy," he said grinning. "But let's eat, I'm starving." Sandy pulled out Kirsten's chair and she sat down with the adults as the kids conglomerated at the other table. There were so many things that Kirsten was dying to know, but not sure how to ask, and it was Carson who brought up the first of the topics.

"So, Julie and Jimmy huh? I heard the divorce went through yesterday," he said. Sandy nodded his head, but Kirsten just listened intrigued.

"She sold the house," Sandy said. "Caleb bought it, and she and Kaitlin are living there, and Jimmy and Marissa moved to an apartment in the numbered streets." So Julie and Jimmy were the same, right?

"How's Marissa taking it?" Carson asked glancing back to make sure that the kids were occupied and ignoring their parents' conversation. They were too far away to hear anything anyway, and too concerned with their own conversation. Sandy shrugged.

"As well as can be expected I guess," Sandy answered.

"Her and Ryan are back together?" Carson seemed surprised at this, and Kirsten wondered why.

"Oh no," Sandy replied. "They've decided to be friends again, and Marissa wants to be more, but Ryan told her he thought that she should take some time before they get back together and figure some things out. Ryan told us, although we aren't supposed to know, that Julie and Jimmy cut back on a lot of her privileges, including her car, and her credit cards, and they've been insisting on therapy since Oliver shot himself." Kirsten would have bet money on Ryan and Marissa being together. The way they acted was like girlfriend/boyfriend. There was so much more to the story that she wasn't getting, and that she couldn't very well ask. Sandy placed his hand on her leg and smiled at her.

"Honey, you're being awfully quiet," he said.

"Oh…I'm still not feeling that great," she lied. That seemed to be enough for him and he gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

"What exactly happened with that kid?" Carson asked. Kirsten could have reached across the table and kissed him for being so inquisitive. "I only get what Luke knows, and what Meredith knows, and sometimes Luke won't completely fess up, and Meredith is also getting things second hand, so I never quite get the whole story."

"Well, that kid, Oliver? Marissa met him in therapy, that was Julie's bright idea, to help her cope with everything that was going on, I think she was afraid she was going to do something crazy like palm a dozen painkillers and wash it down with tequila or something," Sandy shook his head. Kirsten wanted to interrupt and tell Sandy that that wasn't such a crazy idea. She wanted to tell him that the Marissa that she knew did that in Tijuana.

Had the kids still gone to Tijuana? What about the Range Rover and the Imax?

Kirsten was starting to think she would never really know the truth about that one, and probably that had never happened in this world so she really wouldn't find out.

If she stayed here. She wasn't even sure how she got here, and she really didn't know how to get back. She didn't know if she wanted to get back.

"Anyway," Sandy continued, and Kirsten kept her comment to herself. "She broke up with Ryan while she 'dealt with things' as she called it, and she meets this kid at therapy and…"

"Mom?" Kirsten turned her head at the sound of Ryan's voice. How easy it had been to adapt to being called that by him. It was as if he had always called her that. She suddenly remembered that supposedly he had. "Can I have the car keys? I want to grab that magazine to show Luke."

"Sure honey," Kirsten said rummaging through her purse and coming up with the keys and handing it to her son.

"Thanks," he said as he jogged out of the restaurant. Sandy waited until his son was out of earshot and continued with the story.

"And he invites her to a party at his hotel room, and she goes, and according to Ryan, they start to date, and next thing we know we're getting a phone call from Marissa, crying, because Oliver has a gun, and Ryan and I go rushing over there, and as soon as we get to the door we heard a gunshot and Marissa comes out covered in blood." Carson shook his head, and Kirsten fought the urge to cover her mouth with her hand. It certainly ended differently in her world.

But in her world, Ryan was a jealous boyfriend, and that had made a difference. Kirsten had always suspected that Marissa was attracted to the danger part of Ryan. He was supposedly a bad boy that her mother disapproved of. If Ryan was a Cohen, then there would be no disapproving of him, and Marissa would have to find someone else to piss her mother off with. Enter Oliver. Just rich enough that Marissa can get away with it, just enough emotional problems that Marissa was attracted to him.

"His poor parents," Kirsten murmured. She couldn't imagine being in that position. Sandy and Carson both nodded in agreement.

"So Ryan told her that he felt that she needed to take some time and be on her own and continue with therapy before they started a relationship again."

"You think they'll get back together soon?" Carson asked. It was Kirsten who answered this time.

"I think so," she replied. Ryan came back in and dropped the keys into Kirsten's hands. "Did you find it?"

"Yeah, thanks," he smiled and walked back to the kids' table. He sat down next to Marissa and she made him take a bite of her pizza.

So that was the story with Marissa. Now Kirsten wanted to know what the story with Carson was. But clearly she couldn't ask.

The room spun and she was hit by another memory.

"_Sandy!" Kirsten yelled. She held a screaming Ryan in her arms, and she was trying to calm him down as Seth sat crying in his bed. "Sandy!" She heard the front door open and her husband walk in. The boys had just turned two. They were still living in Berkeley, and Kirsten stayed home with the boys while Sandy worked. Sandy heard the boys both screaming ,and heard his wife's frantic cries, and took the stairs two at a time as he ran up to them._

"_Honey? What's the matter?" _

_"Ryan has a temperature," she said. "He won't stop crying."_

_"Seth?" Sandy asked picking up the other toddler. Kirsten shrugged and he could see that she was on the brink of tears herself._

_"He's crying because Ryan is," she explained. "I can't…I don't know…" She sunk down onto the rocking chair that her mother had bought her when she found out that she was pregnant. She rocked Ryan, who was still wailing and Sandy carried Seth out of the room and called the doctor. He put Seth in the playpen in the living room and went back up to help out his frazzled wife. He took Ryan out of her arms and gave her a kiss on the forehead._

_"The doctor said to bring him in, but it's probably just an ear infection or something like that," Sandy told her._

_"I'm a terrible mother," she wailed as she covered her face with her hands._

_"No you aren't."_

_"The boys hate me. They're going to hate me…"_

_"They love you. They will always love you. Why don't I take Ryan while you stay here with Seth? We'll be back in a little bit. Everything's fine. Kids get sick. It's what they do." Kirsten managed a nod and Sandy reached out his hand and helped her stand up and they walked back downstairs. Kirsten leaned in and placed a kiss on Ryan's warm cheek._

_"Bye baby," she whispered._

_"Momma," he whimpered and she held him as Sandy went to get the car from the parking space that he had found a block away. _

_"Daddy's going to take good care of you," she told Ryan as she stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "I love you." Sandy came back in and took his son off of Kirsten and gave her a kiss on the lips and gave her a reassuring smile. _

_"We'll be right back," he assured her. Kirsten went back into the living room and picked Seth out of his playpen and they sat down to read a book and waited for Sandy and Ryan to return. _

"Kirsten? You're doing it again," Sandy accused.

"I'm sorry what?"

"The zoning out thing. We should probably get you home and into bed," Sandy said.

"Good idea," Carson agreed. "Feel better Kirsten."

"Thank you," she said as they went to tell the boys that they were heading home.

"Your mom still doesn't feel that hot, I'm going to take her home," Sandy told them as he handed Ryan some money to pay for the pizza. The Ryan she knew would have tried not to accept it. This Ryan took it right away and gave his father a smile. Sandy placed an arm on her waist and led her away.

* * *

It was going on two in the morning by the time that Kirsten heard the front door open and Ryan come stumbling in. He had dropped off Seth at home around eight, and when Kirsten asked Seth where his brother was, he replied that he had gone to a party at one of the kid's house on the soccer team. Seth had gone to see a movie with Summer, and Sandy and Kirsten had a lovely evening at home by themselves. But Seth had returned at midnight, like he was supposed to, and Ryan had not. Kirsten insisted on staying up, and Sandy insisted on staying with her. 

But Sandy had fallen asleep with his head on her lap, and she was flipping through the television stations looking for anything to watch, and calling Ryan's cell phone for the hundredth time. It was off. It was going straight to voice mail every time. She sighed and put the phone on the table beside her. She occupied herself by running her hands through Sandy's unkempt hair and waited for the door to open.

When it finally did, Ryan stumbled in and Kirsten nudged Sandy.

"Sandy, he's home," she said and Sandy stood up and went to deal with his son. Kirsten followed Sandy out into the front hall where Ryan was trying to sneak up the stairs.

"Ryan," Sandy's voice stopped him. "What time is it?" Ryan fumbled with his phone and it lit up and he held it up for his father to see. "And what time were you supposed to be home?"

"Yes, but see, I couldn't just leave Chip there all by himself, so I had to stay until the end…"

"How much have you had to drink?" Kirsten asked.

"Nothing," Ryan lied.

"Ryan Matthew Cohen," Kirsten warned. Matthew. Where had that come from? Matthew wasn't Ryan's middle name in her world. So how had she known that it was his middle name in this world? "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are, I can smell it on you, and you drove home drunk," Sandy said. "Go upstairs. You're grounded for three weeks. One week for staying out past curfew, one week for drinking and then lying about it, and one week for driving home drunk. You should have called us. We have that deal, Ryan, for a reason. "

"Dad…"

"Do you want to make it four?" Ryan scowled and stomped up the stairs, clearly having sobered up by arguing with his parents. Kirsten sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Sandy wrapped his arms around her.

"Let's go to bed," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Good idea," Sandy said taking her hand and leading her upstairs.

It was the first time that she had wished that she had her old Ryan. Her old Ryan was meticulous about curfew. Her Ryan would have not driven home drunk. Her Ryan wouldn't have been so irresponsible. Kirsten felt so frustrated.

But then again, not everything could be perfect, right? The bad came with the good, always. This life was great. And so if she had to deal with a few minor problems, then fine. She could deal with a few minor problems.

She climbed into bed next to her husband and wondered what would happen when she woke up this time.

* * *

Okay, so I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and I'll try to get up the next chapter as soon as I can. Thanks! 


	4. Careful of what you wish for

Thank you so much for reviewing, you guys are so incredibly amazing, and I love you all. Truly I do. Please let me know what you thought, and can somebody tell me whether or not it's a new episode this week? I didn't think it was, but then the TV listings in my newspaper said that it was. I'm so confused. Let me know what you thought of this chapter though, and please let me know if it's new! Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't so much own the characters. But thanks for asking.

* * *

_Isn't this what you've always wanted?  
Isn't this how you've saw the view?  
Careful what you wish for,  
It just might come true  
Might come true - Meredith Brooks_

* * *

Kirsten woke up and felt Sandy's arms around her. She glanced at the clock. It was going on ten-thirty; the two of them hadn't slept in like this in such a long time. Of course, after Ryan had come home, sleep had eluded both her and her husband until going on three-thirty. Kirsten yawned and carefully slipped out of Sandy's arms. Despite taking every precaution to make sure she didn't wake him up, Sandy's eyes opened and he smiled lazily at her.

"Where are you going?" He questioned. "I was quite comfy." Kirsten smiled back at him and ran a hand down his cheek. He needed to shave.

"Sorry," she apologized. "It's getting late though, we should get up."

"And deal with our son?" Kirsten nodded and Sandy sat up and pulled her hand so that she sat back down on the bed and gave a kiss to her bare shoulder. "He's a good kid, honey, just remember that." Kirsten nodded, unconvincingly and rose to her feet.

He was a good kid. But it was starting to seem that in her world, he was a better kid. She shook her head, that wasn't fair. Everyone made mistakes.

"Let's go," she requested slipping her robe on and reaching out her hand for Sandy to take. When the two appeared in the kitchen holding hands, Seth looked up.

"Uh-oh, you are in big trouble," he told his brother. "The parents have formed a united front."

"Seth," Sandy warned as he let go of Kirsten's hand and poured himself a cup of coffee. "Can you please excuse us for a minute while we talk to your brother?" Seth shot Ryan a sympathetic glance before hurrying out of the room, thankful that for once he wasn't the target of a parental rant.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said when Seth was gone. Kirsten silently sighed a sigh of relief. Thankfully, getting some sleep had knocked some sense into her son. "I shouldn't have been drinking, and I shouldn't have driven home." He looked up as if he was hopeful that his parents would lighten the grounding sentence, but it was to no avail.

"Well, you'll have three weeks to think about it, and about how you won't do it again," Sandy reminded him. Apparently, his parents stood firm on the punishment.

"Do you understand that you could have gotten yourself killed?" Kirsten said placing her hands on the counter.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Ryan said. "I wasn't thinking." It seemed to be the wrong thing to say.

"You weren't thinking?" Kirsten repeated angrily. "You weren't thinking? That's your excuse! Ryan, do you…." She paused and took a deep breath. "Ryan…I love you, and if something happened to you…I would…God, I don't know what I would do. Please think next time."

"I will, I promise," Ryan nodded. "I'm so sorry." He stood up and wrapped his arms around his mother. Kirsten wasn't used to unexpected displays of affection from Ryan, and was taken aback, and then remembered that this was normal, and hugged him back tightly. "I love you too, Mom." He let her go, and grabbed a bagel. Ryan was halfway out the door, when he turned back around and grinned at his parents.

"Hey, since I'm grounded, does that mean that I don't have to go to this stupid fundraiser tonight?" He asked. Sandy had to chuckle, but he shook his head.

"No, I think that it means that under no circumstances, do you get out of going tonight," Sandy told him. Ryan shrugged.

"It was worth a shot," he replied.

It surprised Kirsten that there was a fundraiser that night.

It shouldn't have surprised her, after all this was Newport. But what surprised her wasn't the fact that there was one, but the fact that in her world, there was also supposed to be one. The whole family was supposed to go, and Sandy had told Seth and Ryan not to complain about it as a birthday present to her.

"What time is this thing again?" Sandy asked as he sliced himself a bagel.

"Um, seven-thirty," Kirsten replied. He nodded as he pulled the milk out of the refrigerator.

"That went better than I expected it to," Sandy said.

"Yes it did," Kirsten agreed. "I think I'm going to go take a shower."

"Want some company?" Sandy grinned.

"Always," Kirsten replied, his grin infectious. Sandy abandoned his bagel and followed his wife out of the room and they shut their bedroom door and locked it behind them. As Kirsten was running the water, her mind swirled.

_"Mommy?" Kirsten was giving Seth his bath. The boys were about four, and she was squeezing the shampoo on Seth's curly hair, when he tugged on her sleeve._

_"What Seth?" she asked as she pulled up her now wet sleeve and shampooed his hair. _

_"Ryan said that horses don't like water, and that I shouldn't bring Captain Oats in here or else he'll drown," Seth repeated what his brother had told him, and Kirsten smothered the smile that threatened as she answered Seth. _

_"Honey, you can bring whatever toy you would like to play with in here," Kirsten assured her son. Ryan was getting dressed with Sandy. They had tried to give them baths at the same time, but it usually ended up with both Kirsten and Sandy completely drenched and frustrated. So they had taken to giving one boy a bath at a time. Sandy had gone first with Ryan, and now it was Seth's turn. "Captain Oats is a pretty good swimmer I think, so he'd be okay._

_Seth seemed to consider this for a minute. He finally nodded._

_"I think you're right Mommy," he told Kirsten. She had to laugh a little bit, and was washing the shampoo out of his hair when the phone rang. _

_"Kirsten?" Sandy called. "It's your mom." He walked into the bathroom. _

_"Can you finish his bath?" Kirsten asked taking a pajama clad Ryan out of Sandy's arms and heading down to the kitchen to talk to her mother. She placed Ryan in the living room with Power Rangers on, and stood at the kitchen counter where she could keep an eye on him. _

_"Hello?" _

_"Kirsten? Darling, how are you?" She smiled at the sound of her mother's voice. Kirsten loved Berkeley. She loved living there, Sandy loved his job, and they were putting away a little money each month so that Kirsten could open an art gallery, but she missed her mother. She adored her mother. _

_"I'm good," Kirsten replied._

_"Sandy? The boys?" _

_"Sandy and the boys are good too, we're actually in the middle of bath time," Kirsten said._

_"Oh, do you need me to call back?" _

_"No, no, we've got it under control," Kirsten assured her mother. "Ryan's done, and Sandy's finishing up with Seth as we speak." _

_"Honey, are you sitting down?" Katherine Nichol was known for her straightforwardness, and she didn't waste any time getting to the point of the phone call._

"_What's the matter?" Kirsten asked gripping the counter for support. She listened to her mother's reply, and then felt her legs go weak underneath her. She fell to the ground, and was only slightly aware of Ryan's screaming for his father. _

_Sandy was drying Seth off when he heard Ryan's panicked cries. _

"_Daddy! Daddy!" Sandy took the stairs two at a time, with Seth wrapped in a towel trailing behind. Sandy found his wife on the floor shaking and crying, and picked up the phone._

"_Kate?" He asked pulling Kirsten into his arms at the same time. _

"_Sandy? What happened? Is she okay?" Kate demanded. "I knew I should have waited to tell her."_

"_Kate, we're going to have to call you back," Sandy said and hung up the phone and gathered his wife in his arms and took her into the living room where Ryan was still wailing. _

"_Is Mommy okay?" Seth asked nervously. _

"_Kirsten honey? Are you okay?" Sandy asked her. Kirsten shook her head._

"_My mom is sick," she said regaining her composure. "She has ovarian cancer. She said there's not much they can do about it, they didn't catch it in time." Sandy sighed and ran a hand through his hair._

"_Oh God, sweetie," he said pulling her close to him again. Kirsten seemed to notice for the first time that Ryan was crying. _

"_Oh honey," she said pulling him into her lap. "Mommy didn't mean to scare you." Ryan calmed down as his mother ran a hand up and down his back. Sandy picked up Seth, who was shivering in his wet towel and wrapped a blanket around his wife and sons. He put his arm around the three of them and whispered into his wife's ear that it would be okay, as both her and Ryan finally calmed down and stopped crying. _

"You okay there honey?" Sandy asked rubbing a hand down Kirsten's back breaking her out of her reverie.

"Oh, I was just remembering when my mom called to tell me that she was sick," Kirsten said shuddering at the memory of losing her mother.

"I'm sorry baby," Sandy said pulling her close to him. She shook her head and tried to smile at him.

"It's okay," she assured him as she pulled away and started to undress. "What's happened, happened. There's no point in trying to wish it away."

But wasn't that what she had done with Ryan? She had wished that she had given birth to him, and the next thing she knew she was awake and her wish had come true. She had wished for something, and it had happened.

And she was trying so hard to ignore that little voice in her head that had popped up, and been especially loud the night before when they were dealing with Ryan. That little voice that kept repeating.

Be careful what you wish for.

* * *

"You look gorgeous," Sandy said leaning in and giving his wife a kiss on the cheek. They were waiting for both boys so that they could leave for the fundraiser.

"Thank you," she beamed at him. And Seth appeared on the steps.

"Ready to go kid?" Sandy asked. Seth nodded.

"I told Summer that she could ride with us, that's okay right?" Seth asked.

"Sure," Kirsten said. "Is your brother ready?" Seth shrugged.

"I haven't really seen him all day. Just long enough for him to complain about being grounded," Seth told her. The doorbell rang and Seth opened it and Summer came in.

"Thanks for letting me tag along," Summer said. "I hate going to these things by myself, and my dad is out of town, and my stepmother is passed out, and Coop isn't going."

"She's not?" Kirsten asked as Sandy handed her purse to her. Summer shook her head.

"She doesn't feel up to it," she said in a melodramatic voice. Kirsten smiled slightly.

"Ryan!" Sandy yelled up the stairs. "We're leaving. You have a minute and a half to get down here."

"I'm coming," was the reply.

"So big anniversary coming up, any plans?" Sandy asked Summer. Kirsten looked at Summer.

It hadn't occurred to her that things would play out differently between Seth and Summer. Seth must not have been quite the loner that he was, because he had Ryan growing up. So how long had her son and Summer been dating?

"Well, three years is a long time," Summer said. "We've been dating since we were, what? Thirteen. My first boyfriend." Seth grinned.

"Your only boyfriend," he reminded her.

"No, I dated Will Evans in third grade," Summer argued.

"That doesn't count I don't think Sum," Seth told her. Summer shrugged. "I made us dinner reservations at the Arches."

"You knew that honey," Kirsten said suddenly. "I made the reservation for him." She covered her mouth with her hand, first because she was amazed that she knew that, and secondly because she was fairly sure that she wasn't supposed to tell Summer. Seth shook his head, but he was smiling slightly, and Summer smiled at Kirsten.

"It's okay," she told her. "I figured that he had some help with the plans."

"Can we go before Mom spills any more of my secrets?" Seth requested.

"Ryan!" Sandy yelled up the stairs. "Now!"

"Are we still on for shopping tomorrow Kirsten?" Summer asked. Yet another surprise for Kirsten. Sure, she had always liked Summer, and they had always gotten along, but she had never gone shopping with her.

Then again, in this world Summer had been Seth's girlfriend for three years. They were presumably a lot closer than they were in her world. Summer was missing a mother figure in her life, and Kirsten probably had been filling that role for some time now.

"Of course honey," Kirsten said. "I'm picking you up right?"

"Yes, around eleven-thirty," Summer reminded her. Ryan appeared finally adjusting his tie.

"Can we go get this thing over with?" He scowled. He walked out of the house to the car and Sandy leaned in and whispered in his wife's ear,

"Teenage hormone alert." No kidding, she wanted to tell him. Ryan was a completely different person from the remorseful kid that she had seen that morning at breakfast. She sighed and Sandy placed a hand on the small of her back and led her out to the car.

She could tell already that it was going to be a long three weeks.

* * *

"Ryan, don't be so stupid!"

"Seth! I swear to God," she heard from the living room. Kirsten had just gotten home from a lovely time shopping with Summer, and had curled up in her bedroom with a book when she heard the yelling from downstairs. She hurried down to the living room and found both her sons standing face to face, Ryan breathing angrily and Seth's arms crossed.

"What is going on in here?" She asked looking from one to the other.

"Nothing," Ryan said taking a deep breath. He muttered the last part, but Kirsten heard it anyway. "Seth's just being a dick." Kirsten's mouth dropped open.

"Excuse me?" Seth and Kirsten said it at the same exact time. Ryan feigned innocence, and pretended to not know what they were talking about.

"Apologize to your brother," Kirsten instructed.

"Why? I didn't do anything," Ryan argued.

"Ryan, I heard you, apologize."

"Oh right, because I forgot, Seth never does anything wrong, Seth's perfect," Ryan sneered.

"Dude," Seth said shaking his head. "Just because you screwed up and are grounded and now can't go to Luke's party doesn't mean that you should take it out on me."

"Ryan," Kirsten was seething, and she wished that Sandy was here with her. "Apologize to your brother. Now."

"Mom! He's being a complete pain, he knows that I can't go out and he loves to keep reminding me of that." That did sound like Seth, as much as Kirsten hated to admit it, and she turned to look at her son to see if that was the truth.

"Well, then you both need to apologize," Kirsten said.

"Mom!" Both boys opened their mouths at the same time to complain, and before she knew it, they were taking swings at each other. She wasn't completely sure which one had started it, but she knew that it was Ryan's fist that eventually ended up connecting with her face just Sandy ran in trying to help her stop it.

As soon as he realized that he had hit his mother, he stopped.

"Oh God! Mom! I'm so sorry," Ryan said as Kirsten's hand flew up to her face where she was sure she was going to have a black eye. Sandy was fuming, and pulled his wife away from his son and out into the kitchen where he got her an ice pack.

"Both of you," Sandy yelled. "Into the kitchen now." Kirsten had never heard him with such authoritativeness and anger in his voice. Well, not towards her sons at least. Both boys made their way sheepishly into the kitchen. "Apologize to your mother now."

"I'm sorry," Ryan said.

"I'm sorry Mom," Seth echoed. Sandy sighed and held the ice pack up to her face.

"Go to your rooms," he said and the two boys hurried out of the kitchen. Sandy pulled the ice away and touched her gently, and she winced. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy," Kirsten replied sarcastically. Sandy placed the ice back and ran his free hand through her hair and then placed it on the other side of her face, and Kirsten closed her eyes and rested her head against the palm of his hand.

"What happened?" He asked softly he removed his hand and let her lean into him.

"I'm not sure," Kirsten said. "I came in and they were fighting, and Ryan called Seth a dick, and Seth was teasing Ryan about being grounded, and when I asked them to apologize to each other, things got out of hand and next thing I know, wham! Right in the face." Sandy nodded, he had heard the commotion fromthe front halland dropped his briefcase and hurried in just in time to see his wife get clocked.

"Boys will…"

"Don't say it," Kirsten said. "Don't say boys will be boys." Her boys never fought. Seth and Ryan were the best of friends. Stupid arguments, sure, but nothing like this.

"I'm sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, I used to fight with my brother all the time," he shrugged and leaned and kissed her on the cheek.

"Like this?" Sandy nodded. She sighed. It didn't have to be like this, she wanted to tell Sandy. Seth and Ryan could get along perfectly well. There was no reason that they couldn't.

Except, of course, in this world they weren't just best friends. They were far too competitive in this world. In her world, there was no need to be. Seth knew how his parents felt about him, and Ryan was too unsure of his place in the family to have a conflict like this.

Kirsten closed her eyes and wished for the first time that she could go back.

* * *

Okay, so review again please and let me know what you think! Thanks! It's snowing, but it's not sticking to the ground, and that bums me out because I want class to be cancelled tomorrow. It's not going to happen, and I know this, but I can't help but continue to wish for it to anyway. Although, I guess I should learn from Kirsten, and be careful of what I wish for right? Please review! Thanks! 


	5. Third generation

Okay, so here's the next chapter. Please review again, you guys are so very awesome. I'm on Spring Break! Yay for me! I'm so excited, I had two midterm weeks from hell, I can only imagine what finals week is going to be like. Ugh. I don't want to start thinking about it. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks again!

Disclaimer: The characters are so not mine.

* * *

When Kirsten woke up the next morning, her eye was swollen. Despite the amount of ice Sandy placed on it, it was still painfully black and blue and she could barely open it. Ryan was apparently very strong, and had impeccable aim. Except that he hadn't meant to hit her. She knew that, she knew that it was an accident, she had even come to accept that brothers fought, and if Seth and Ryan were brothers, they would fight. Kirsten knew all of this, and she was willing to take it if it meant that Ryan had grown up loved and safe. She groaned and opened her other eye to see Sandy giving her a sympathetic smile.

"You okay sweetheart?" He asked. She shrugged in response and sat up.

"My eye hurts, feels like someone punched me…oh wait, someone did." Sandy chuckled softly.

"Should we ground him on top of the grounding he already has?" Sandy asked.

"It wouldn't be fair to ground him and not Seth, it was just a matter of luck that his fist hit me and not Seth's. Neither one was paying any attention to where they were swinging those fists," Kirsten reminded him. She sighed and threw her legs over the side of the bed. To add to the swollen eye, her head was pounding, and she was feeling slightly nauseous. All in all, not the best way to start the day.

"Are you sure that you are okay?" Sandy asked Kirsten. She nodded, and leaned in and gave him a kiss.

"I'm positive. Really, Sandy, I'm okay. I just have a little bit of a headache," she assured him. He frowned, but gave her a kiss back and then a small smile. He placed a hand on her waist and they went down to the kitchen where Seth and Ryan were eating breakfast. Ryan looked up at his parents when they entered and he was hit with guilt.

"Oh Mom," he said. "I'm so sorry. Do you want some Advil? I can get it for you?" Kirsten smiled slightly at Ryan.

"Advil would be nice," she told him. He jumped off the stool immediately and ran to the bathroom and they could hear him rummaging around the first aid kit to get her some.

"It's half my fault," Seth started. "So I'll make you breakfast, whatever you want. What do you want Mom? Bacon? Eggs? What? Anything, even if we don't have it, we'll get it for you. Like if we don't have it, Ryan and I will to every store in Orange County, if we have to, to find it. What does your very understanding, and very beautiful and young-looking heart desire?" Seth paused and gave a nervous smile to his mother.

"I just want some Advil, and maybe some coffee," Kirsten told him. "I'm not really that hungry."

"Coffee, got it," Seth said hopping off the stool and heading towards the coffeemaker. Sandy pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and Kirsten took a seat and smiled gratefully at him. Ryan came in with the Advil and a glass of water and handed both to his mother. He took a seat across from her and smiled apologetically.

"Really, Mom, I'm so sorry," he said again.

"It's okay honey," Kirsten told him taking the Advil. "Well, not okay, don't let it happen again, but it wasn't like you meant to punch me. You did, however, mean to punch your brother, and he meant to hit you, and so that means you two will think of new ways to solve your problems without resorting to violence. Or else we can add more onto the grounding that you already have Ryan. And Seth, we posses the power to ground you too, so I wouldn't taunt Ryan about it anymore, understand?"

"I completely understand," Seth said nodding. The doorbell rang, and he ran to answer it. Summer came into the kitchen, and she gasped when she saw Kirsten.

"Kirsten! What happened?" Both Ryan and Seth looked sheepishly at the ground and were both surprised when Kirsten lied.

"I hit off the corner of my desk when I leaned down to get something," she lied smiling slightly. Seth breathed out a sigh of relief. He would have gotten hell from Summer if she knew the truth, and he hadn't been looking forward to one of her infamous rage blackouts.

"Ready to go Ryan?" Sandy asked changing the subject. He nodded, and he and Seth ran up to get their things for school.

"Is that what you're going to tell your dad too?" Sandy asked when the kids had left for school. Ryan had hugged his mother and whispered,

"Thank you," in her ear before following his brother and his brother's girlfriend out to the car.

"Yes," Kirsten said shrugging. "It was an accident, and Ryan and Seth already feel bad enough without everyone knowing that it was their fault." She placed her mug in the sink. "I should go get ready and get to the office, I'm already late." Sandy nodded, and followed her upstairs where they both continued to get ready in silence. It was very rare that the boys left before them, but Sandy had allowed his wife to sleep in and had silenced the alarm when it had gone off.

"Have a good day," Sandy said giving her a kiss before getting in his car and driving off. Kirsten headed into the office and her father's smile dropped when he saw her.

"Sandford isn't abusing you is he?" Caleb asked when his daughter stepped off the elevator.

"No, I hit it off the table when I leaned down to get something," Kirsten said.

"Oh," Caleb said. The smile returned. "So when is Ryan going to start his afterschool job here?" Kirsten was surprised to hear this, but she covered it well.

"Oh well, I don't remember," she said.

"It'll be nice to have the third generation starting to learn the business," Caleb said. "Seth was a lost cause from the start. He's far too much like his father. Ryan, though, he is a Nichol through and through." Kirsten's mouth dropped slightly. In her world, her father hated Ryan, and apparently in this world, Ryan was his favorite grandson.

"Dad…" she started.

"Oh, I love them both, Kiki, you know that. It's just that Ryan is much more like us, and Seth is much more like his father, that's all." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"If today is the day that Ryan starts, can you send him to my office when he gets here?"

"Sure," Kirsten said and her father headed towards his office and she headed towards hers.

_"Ryan!" Caleb came into the house for the boys' sixth birthday holding two very large gifts. "Happy birthday!" _

_"Thanks Grandpa!" Ryan grinned as Caleb handed him one of the boxes. _

_"Where's your brother?" He asked. "And your mom?" _

_"Mommy's in the kitchen," Ryan said pointing. "And Seth is out back, I think." Caleb nodded and gave his grandson a pat on the head before heading towards the kitchen._

_"Kiki, everything looks great," he told her giving her a hug. It was the first party since her mother had died, and Kirsten was trying her best to make it through without any tears. It had been hard watching her mother battle cancer, and then the doctors thought it had gone into remission, only to have it come back. _

_"Thanks Dad," Kirsten said returning the hug._

_"Your mother would have been proud," Caleb said softly. Kirsten nodded, and one tear escaped and she hastily wiped it away. Sandy appeared with Seth, and Caleb handed his other grandson his gift. _

_"Here you go Seth," Caleb said._

_"Thank you," Seth's was more quiet than Ryan's had been. It was no secret that Ryan was his grandfather's favorite. Ryan was more athletic, more socially outgoing, and as much as Sandy hated to admit it, a lot more like his mother and grandfather than Seth was. Sandy also knew that it didn't both Seth very much. Seth wasn't a very big fan of his grandfather, and so it was all the better when he paid more attention to Ryan than him. _

_"Seth, your guests are starting to arrive," Kirsten said. "Why don't you go put that with the rest of the presents and find your brother?" Seth shrugged and ran out the back door. Caleb saw one of his friends and left to go talk to them. In Newport, of course, a birthday party was a whole affair. Even if it was a child's party. They loved a party in Newport. Sandy placed a hand on his wife's arm._

_"You doing okay there?" _

_"Sure," she said trying to force a smile. Sandy raised an eyebrow, and Kirsten's defense fell a little bit. "I miss her." _

_"I know you do," Sandy said pulling her into his arms. _

_"Daddy!" They were interrupted by Ryan who came running in. Sandy pulled away from his wife reluctantly._

_"What's the matter kiddo?" He asked his son._

_"Did you see the cake Daddy? It's huge! It's so big!" Ryan grabbed his father's hand and pulled him away from his mother. "Mommy, you can come too, I just know how much Daddy loves cake." Both Kirsten and Sandy laughed and followed the six-year-old out the back door and into the backyard. Kirsten was immediately assaulted by a group of Newport wives offering her their condolences. Sandy came and rescued her a little while later, and the party got into full swing. _

_When the last of the guests was gone, Kirsten walked into the living room where Seth was sprawled out on the couch with his new action figure, and Ryan was lying on the floor with a soccer book lying in front of him, the sugar high they had been on all day was clearly gone. Sandy was sitting on the chair with his feet on the coffee table and his eyes were closed, and Kirsten took off her shoes and leaned down to massage her sore feet, before sitting herself down on his lap._

_"Oh!" He exclaimed when she sat down. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. She leaned back and he began to play with her hair. _

_"It was a good party wasn't it?" Kirsten asked._

_"It was a very good party," Sandy nodded._

_"The boys had fun?"_

_"The boys had a great time," Sandy assured her. "Your father got Ryan a book on architecture." _

_"He didn't," Kirsten said smiling. _

_"He did." She laughed. "He said that he's going to turn him into a real estate mogul. The third generation, he kept calling him."_

_"He's six."_

_"Try to explain that to your father." She just shook her head. Kirsten looked down at her sons. She loved them both so much. She couldn't imagine her life without either one of them. Ryan stirred and looked up at his parents with sleepy eyes._

_"Hi honey," Kirsten said, but she didn't move from Sandy's lap. Ryan sleepily stood up and Kirsten leaned over and hoisted him up onto her lap. Ryan leaned his head against Sandy's free shoulders. The three sat in silence before Sandy finally spoke up._

_"Honey, maybe we should get them to bed?" He suggested, but he got no response from his wife. He looked at her to find that she was fast asleep as well. Sandy laughed a little and gave her a kiss on the head and decided that his legs were going to be fast asleep by the time he got both of them off his lap._

_But it would definitely be worth it. _

"Kiki?" Her father's voice interrupted her and she shook her head clear of the memory and looked up at him. "You looked dazed. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine, my head just hurts a little bit," she told him.

"Well, I need those contracts for the Edmondson property on my desk by three," Caleb told her. Kirsten nodded and Caleb excused himself and she sighed and got to work.

* * *

"Mom?" There was a knock on her door and Ryan was there in a suit and tie.

"Hey honey!" She said standing up and coming to greet him. She gave him a hug, and noticed that his view lingered on her face.

"I am…"

"Don't say sorry. I know that you are sorry, let's just forget about it okay?"

"Okay," Ryan nodded. "So where do I go?"

"Your grandfather wants to see you," Kirsten said. "He's so excited about you working here, God help us all." Ryan grinned and he and Kirsten began to make their way to Caleb's office.

"Hello Mrs. Cohen," Caleb's secretary Lynn said smiling at her. "Is this Ryan that we've heard so much about?" Kirsten grinned and noticed that Ryan was blushing.

"Yes, this is my son Ryan," Kirsten introduced.

"Your mom and grandfather do nothing but talk about you," Lynn said. "You and your brother, Seth. He's waiting for you, so go on in."

"Thanks Lynn," Kirsten said as she pushed open her father's door and stepping in the impressive office.

"Kiki! Ryan!" Caleb stood up and walked over and smiled at the two. "Let's go show Ryan where he will be working." Kirsten nodded and watched as her father placed a hand on his grandson's shoulder and led him to the elevator.

It was so strange to see her father acting so kindly towards Ryan. But it was nice. It was what she had always hoped would happen.

She decided that if she had the choice, she would most definitely take this world. Even with its cons. She grinned as she trailed behind and watched as her father and Ryan talked animatedly. Caleb had never acted like this even with Seth. It occurred to her that it was almost sad, because she had missed this side of her father. This loving, proud, grandfather side. Not that she didn't think he loved Seth, but he had been right, Seth was like his father, and Caleb had never forgotten that.

Now he had the perfect grandson. Just like he had the perfect daughter. Of course then the perfect daughter had gone and married a Jewish idealist from the Bronx. But she had produced the perfect grandson, and if she went by the grin on her father's face, apparently that had redeemed her.

Yes, this world was looking up again. So Ryan was a bit of a troublemaker. Wasn't it worth it for all the other things? And sure, he and Seth weren't nearly as close as they were in her world, and of course that saddened her because their relationship had been incredible and amazing to watch two so very different people protect and love each other the way that Seth and Ryan had. But they were brothers in this world, and she was Ryan's mother, and Sandy was his father, and if that meant that they had to ground him and deal with his drinking and partying, then so be it. She wouldn't trade it. It was better here. With the exception of some minor hiccups, it was perfect here. She was trying so hard to convince herself that, and to ignore the little voice in her head that kept telling her,

Nothing is perfect.

* * *

Okay, so I'm going on Spring break and so I really wanted to get this chapter up, and I think you should think of it as the calm before the storm. That was supposed to entice you to review and make me write it on my spring break. We're going to the beach, but I'll have my laptop (I have a paper due when I get back, how crappy is that?) so I can write another chapter…if you review! So go at it. Thanks! 


	6. The start of trouble

Okay, so here's the next chapter, thank you so much for reviewing! You guys are so totally amazing. I'm currently at the beach, and it's wonderful, warm and sunny! I called my mom and she told me that at home its snowing. Yay for Spring Break! But boo for papers for Philosophy that make me have to take my laptop to the beach. Although you guys benefit because I am procrastinating from that and doing this instead. So you know, thank Plato for this chapter. Anyway, review again please!

Disclaimer: Um. I don't own the characters and please don't sue me, because after this vacation I'm going to have like two cents to my name.

* * *

"Are the boys ready?" Kirsten asked Sandy as she tightened his tie and leaned in for a kiss. She turned after she was done to study herself in the mirror.

"Almost," Sandy answered and leaned down and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder. "Have I told you yet that you look gorgeous in that dress?" Kirsten grinned and leaned back into him. She studied herself again. The dress was a dark blue, and extremely low cut. She hadn't been completely sure that she liked it when she bought it, but now as she studied herself in the mirror, she decided that she had made the right choice. Sandy's hand brushed some of her hair, curled for the party, off her neck to kiss it.

"You like the dress then?" She asked.

"I love the dress, but honey, you could look good in a brown paper bag," Sandy assured her. Kirsten smiled and reluctantly pulled away so that she could place her earrings in her ears. "I'll go check on the boys again, I'll meet you downstairs?" She nodded and Sandy gave her one more kiss before heading down the stairs.

It had been a week since she had woken up to find herself in this strange world where Ryan was biologically hers. Ryan was still grounded, and Kirsten was almost reconciled with the fact that he and Seth were just not as close here as they were in her world.

She had to stop saying her world. It wasn't anymore. This was her world now. It looked as if she was here for good. Kirsten was remembering more and more from this world, and remembering less and less from her former world. She still wasn't sure why she was here, or how she got here, but she was so grateful that she was. Except for a few minor mishaps, things were immensely better here. She checked out her appearance one more time and walked down the stairs to the living room. The doorbell rang and she strode over to answer it.

"Jimmy!" She smiled, pleased to see him, and he gave her a half smile.

"Hi, is Sandy home?" Kirsten nodded and opened the door wider for Jimmy to step in. "You look beautiful." Kirsten blushed slightly.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"It's that Children's hospital fund-raiser? Right? The Mardi Gras themed one? Marissa was talking about it."

"That's the one," Kirsten said nodding, she headed into the kitchen and Jimmy followed her.

"Jimbo!" Sandy said smiling when Jimmy and Kirsten walked in. "To what do we owe this pleasure?" Jimmy smiled back at his friend.

"I just had a few papers from the restaurant that needed signed and I thought I'd stop by and get you to sign them," Jimmy stated placing the folder of papers on the counter.

"Oh okay," Sandy reached for a pen and began to sign his name in the appropriate places. "So how come you aren't getting dragged to this thing?"

"Um, no one to drag me I guess," Jimmy shrugged and Sandy wanted to hit himself in the head for being so thoughtless.

"Right, well, consider yourself lucky," he tried to cover, and smiled at Jimmy, who kindly gave him a smile back silently telling him that it was okay.

"Besides, I'm still not Newport's favorite person. Not yet anyway." Both Seth and Ryan appeared in their suits at that moment.

"Hey, we ready?" Seth asked. "Oh, hi Mr. Cooper."

"Hi, Seth, I better go drop these off, enjoy the party," Jimmy said taking the papers from Sandy and heading towards the doorway. Kirsten gave him a hug and watched as he drove off and turned back to her family.

"Let's go," she said brightly. The four walked towards the BMW, and Sandy opened the door for Kirsten who climbed in and sighed.

"What's the matter?" Sandy asked as he got in the driver's seat.

"I just feel so…bad for Jimmy," she finally answered. Sandy nodded and placed a hand over hers.

"You would think that he would be happy to get rid of Julie Cooper," Ryan commented from the back seat. He and Julie Cooper had never not gotten along, but they had never been the best of friends either. They tolerated each other, Julie mostly because he was a Cohen, and because he was a good match for Marissa, and Ryan because he was in love with Marissa and Julie was her mother. Julie had made it well known that she had hoped that Marissa would marry Ryan Cohen one day and inherit part of the Nichol fortune, and she had been as excited as Caleb when she found out that Ryan was working with his grandfather and mother at the Newport Group. Julie was campaigning heavily for the reunion of Marissa and Ryan. This was something that Kirsten found ironic, and she wished that she could tell Sandy why it was so funny that Julie was trying so hard to get them together, but she knew he would think that she was crazy, so she had to laugh to herself.

"I think that he misses her, God help him," Sandy replied. "Or maybe not even her, I think that he just misses his family."

"This restaurant is so good for him," Kirsten said squeezing Sandy's hand. "Thank you again for this."

"For what?" Sandy responded. "I'm doing this for me. This is going to be my happy place." Kirsten laughed and shook her head. They pulled up to the party and the valet took their keys as Sandy placed a hand on the small of her back and the Cohen family walked into the party.

"Kirsten! Sandy!" A Newpsie spied the four and made a beeline for them.

"We'll find you later," Seth said as he and Ryan made a hasty retreat towards their friends. Sandy watched them walk away longingly and Kirsten smothered a laugh as they were led deeper into the party.

* * *

The party was nearly over before Sandy and Kirsten saw either of their sons.

"Seth!" Kirsten called out and Seth and Summer walked over. "We're going to leave. Hi, Summer, do you need a ride home?" Summer and Seth shared a look that Kirsten caught, but wasn't exactly sure what it meant and Summer nodded.

"Sure, if you don't mind. I came with Coop, her mom gave her the car for the night, but….uh…." She trailed off and looked wide eyed at Kirsten. "But I'd love a ride home, thanks."

"Have you seen your brother?" Sandy asked Seth who shook his head a little too vehemently.

"Nope, haven't seen him all night. I have no idea where he is, none at all. In fact, I think that on a scale of one to ten, ten being that I know exactly where he is and one being that I have no idea, I'm at like a negative four," Seth rambled. Seth always rambled when he was lying. It was a trait that Kirsten had always liked about her son, because it made it easy for her to guess when he wasn't telling the truth.

"You are an awful liar, son," Sandy told him. "Where is Ryan?"

"In the guest house," Seth reported and hung his head as Sandy told Kirsten he would go get him and stalked off in the direction of the guest house.

"You shouldn't lie for him," Kirsten said when Sandy was gone.

"I know."

"We've talked about this before."

"I know." Seth shrugged. "He's my brother. I have to have his back, it's like an unwritten law of brothers." Kirsten spotted her husband first, his face red with anger, before she saw her drunken son stumbling behind him with an equally drunk Marissa in tow.

"Here honey," Sandy said handing Kirsten the car keys. "I'm going to drive Marissa's car home, if you could follow me, we'll drop Summer off and then take Marissa home and then we'll take the boys home." Ryan at least had the decency to look ashamed as he trailed behind his angry father as they headed towards the cars.

The valet pulled up with the Cohens' car and Kirsten, Summer, and Seth climbed in and watched as the valet went to get Marissa's car.

"I wouldn't want to be in that car right now," Seth commented. "Dad looks like he's going to blow a gasket." Kirsten was more disappointed in Ryan than angry. What did he think? That they weren't going to notice that he had gone with Luke and Marissa and gotten tanked in the guest house? Did he think that his parents were complete morons? Sandy pulled out ahead of her, and Kirsten followed behind as they went to Summer's house first.

"Thanks for the ride," Summer said as she gave Seth a quick kiss goodnight.

"No problem honey," Kirsten said giving Summer a small smile. Summer returned the smile, and hopped out of the car and practically ran to her front door. They drove to Marissa and Jimmy's apartment and Sandy and Ryan got out of the car and walked Marissa to her front door. Kirsten and Seth watched as they disappeared into the apartment building and saw the lights go on. Sandy and Ryan reappeared a few minutes later and Sandy climbed in the front seat and Ryan struggled to get into the backseat. Silently, Kirsten reached over and placed a hand on Sandy's hand trying to calm him down. She was livid, sure, but she rarely saw Sandy like this. Only twice before, and that had been when Seth and Ryan had been out drinking the first night that Ryan had been with them in her former world, and then when Ryan had driven home drunk that first night in this new world. Sandy generally was the cool, collected parent, and it was Kirsten who usually was more emotional about the boys.

The car ride home was silent, and when they arrived back at their house, Seth scurried away up to his bedroom leaving Ryan alone and drunk with two very pissed off parents.

"Add another week to that grounding," Sandy said trying to remain calm. "I can't believe you. How stupid did you think that we were? How stupid were you? Did you think that you would get away with this?" Sandy didn't get an answer as Ryan bolted past him to the bathroom where they heard retching sounds. When he came back out, he looked even more miserable and contrite.

"I'm sorry."

"Well, sorry doesn't cut it, go upstairs to your room. You will be seeing the inside of those four walls for another three weeks," Sandy instructed. Ryan sighed, knowing better than to argue and walked past his parents and up to his bedroom. Sandy and Kirsten stood in silence for a minute before Sandy took her hand and led her towards the stairs.

"Let's go to bed huh? We have a miserable, grounded teenager to deal with in the morning," Sandy reminded her. Kirsten shook her head and let out a little laugh and followed Sandy up to their bedroom.

She was not looking forward to the morning. Ryan, it turned out, could be quite difficult when he wanted to be. And they had several points during the past week that Ryan whined and complained about having to be grounded. Kirsten had stopped when he was pouting and remembered a similar expression on his face.

"_I want it now!" Ryan screamed throwing himself onto the floor and kicking his legs. His little fists were balled up and he was hitting the floor. The other adults in the store gave Kirsten sympathetic looks as she held onto Seth's hand and kneeled down to gather her other screaming four-year-old. _

"_Ryan Matthew Cohen," she said in her best authoritative voice. "Get up now."_

"_No!" He screamed. "I want it! I want it! I want it!" He continued his rant as Kirsten let go of Seth's hand to yank Ryan up from the floor. _

"_We're going home now, and we're calling your father and you will not be allowed to go to Luke's birthday party this weekend."_

"_That's not fair!" Ryan wailed._

"_Ryan, then stop crying. You have five seconds or else you aren't going to Luke's party." As Kirsten began to count down to one, Ryan calmed down considerably. It was then that she realized that Seth was no longer right next to her. She scooped up Ryan in her arms and looked around trying to remain calm._

"_Seth?" She called out. She looked around and still no curly-haired little boy in sight. "Seth?" It was then that she started frantically looking around the store. "Excuse me?" She stopped the first person that she saw. "Have you seen a little boy? Four years old? Curly brown hair?" The woman shook her head and Kirsten felt herself getting more and more hysterical. "Seth?" Finally one of the sales associates came over to Kirsten and Ryan._

"_Ma'am? Can I help you?"_

"_My little boy, I can't find him," Kirsten managed to get out. "He's four, and he has curly brown hair, and he's wearing…God! I don't remember…um…he's wearing a Ninja Turtles t-shirt." The woman placed a calming hand on Kirsten's arm and promised her that they would get security to look for him. They locked the doors to the store and led Kirsten to a chair and she sat holding Ryan tightly and rocking back and forth slightly. Her eyes darted around trying to catch hold of Seth and his green t-shirt that was currently his favorite and that he insisted on wearing every other day. _

_After a few minutes Kirsten was officially panicked and was crying as she clung to Ryan. It was then that she heard a familiar voice, and she looked up to see the security guard carrying Seth over to her. Seth was laughing and chatting away with the guard. She placed Ryan on the ground as she pulled Seth into her arms holding him tightly. _

"_Mommy! I can't breathe," Seth giggled. "This is Burt." _

"_Thank you," Kirsten said tearfully to the guard. _

"_No problem. It seems that he got a little hungry and wandered off to find something to eat," Burt explained. "You shouldn't do that to your mommy, you scared her." Seth held his head looking appropriately repentant. _

"_Oh thank God, you're okay," Kirsten whispered as she held onto Seth. She placed him down next to Ryan. "Don't ever do that to me again, promise me?" _

"_I promise," Seth said. _

"_You too Ryan, I don't know what I would do if I lost either or you," Kirsten said shaking her head to rid the thought. She wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and thanked the security guard one more time before taking a hand in each of hers and leading the boys out to her car. When she got home, Sandy was there and he noticed right away that his wife was frazzled and looked exhausted and she began to cry as soon as he pulled her into his arms. She told him the whole story and both Ryan and Seth got lectures about behaving in the store, and not wandering off. Kirsten learned two things that day. One, to never take her eyes off her sons for a second, and two, that Ryan certainly knew how to throw a fit. She was suddenly not looking forward to his teenage years. _

* * *

"This isn't fair. You told me that I could go to the party," Ryan argued the next morning with Sandy.

"Well, that was before you got grounded for four weeks. I might have thought about giving you a reprieve but that was before last night's little stunt." Ryan sulked for the entire rest of the day, once in awhile dropping little comments letting his parents know just how angry with them he was for not letting him go to Luke's party that next night.

"You should have thought about that last night," Kirsten reminded her son. Seth kept quiet, as he was under strict orders not to tease his brother about being grounded. Though, he couldn't help but let a little chuckle escape now and then when Ryan was fighting with his parents. Kirsten, Sandy, or Ryan would shoot him a dirty look and he would wisely shut his mouth again.

The intensity of Ryan's campaign only heated up the next day, and right before the party. With a final no from his father, Ryan told them that they were being completely unreasonable and stalked up to his bedroom where they heard the door slam. After a little while, Kirsten decided to go check on her son and headed up to his room.

"Ryan? Honey?" She knocked and got no answer and so knocked again a little louder. "Ryan, I know that you are mad, but please open the door." Again there was no answer, so she turned the doorknob and stuck her head inside the bedroom only to find it completely empty with the window wide open.

* * *

So I hope you enjoyed that chapter, please review and I'll update as soon as I possibly can! Thanks! 


	7. All the waiting

Ugh. Back to school again. It sucks. I miss the beach already, and since it is almost St. Patrick's Day, I can't totally blame my Irish ancestors, but I'm pretty angry with them right now, because I could be tan, but no, I'm Irish, I burn. So, alas, no nice tan for me. Anyway, here is the next part. Let me know what you think. And thanks for reviewing! You guys are so totally and completely awesome. Do it again? Please? It will make me so very happy.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

* * *

Sandy knew that look on his wife's face. He had been the on the receiving end of that look, and he knew that it wasn't a good look to be on the receiving end of. And he knew that her look stemmed from something that Ryan had done. Sandy braced himself for whatever it was that his son had done now.

"What's the matter honey?" Sandy asked when Kirsten walked in.

"He's gone." Sandy's mouth dropped open.

"What?"

"His window is open and he is gone," Kirsten reported sighing.

"What!" Sandy ran to the stairs and ran up to his son's bedroom, only to find what his wife found: the window wide open, and Ryan no where in sight. When he walked back down to his wife, he found her pouring herself a glass of wine.

"You didn't believe me?" Kirsten asked as soon as he came in.

"I had to see for myself," Sandy said. "So what do we do now?" Kirsten shook her head.

"We could go get him at Luke's?" She suggested. It was Sandy's turn to shake his head.

"I think we should call him first," Sandy said grabbing the phone and dialing Ryan's number. "Let him come home on his own."

"Ello?" Ryan answered.

"Where are you?" Sandy demanded. Ryan held the phone away from himself and muttered, "shit."

"Upstairs?"

"Try again."

"I'm sorry."

"Do better."

"I'm really sorry."

"Come home now."

"But Dad…"

"Ryan, I swear to God, if you don't get in your car and drive home this very instant, I will come there and get you, and you do not want that," Sandy threatened. He heard Ryan sigh and finally answer,

"Fine. I'll be home soon."

"I know that it takes about twenty minutes to get from Luke's house to our house. You better be here in a half hour or else your mother and I are coming to get you," Sandy told him before hanging up the phone. He turned back to his wife.

"He's coming home." Kirsten nodded and took another drink of her wine and got out a glass for her husband and poured some for him. They went to sit in the living room, silently sat and waited, each drinking their glass of wine and holding the other's hand. Kirsten felt like the time ticked by so slowly that she didn't know what to do with herself.

"Seth is at the party too, right?" She finally spoke up. Sandy nodded.

"He and Summer were going to go," he said. It was Kirsten's turn to nod.

"What time did we tell him to be home?" She asked trying desperately to make the time move a little faster.

"One."

"Okay."

"Are you okay?" Sandy finally asked giving her hand a squeeze.

"I can't believe he snuck out," she replied. "I thought…he's a good kid, and I just don't…"

"He's a good kid, yes," Sandy said turning to face her. "And the key word there is kid. He's a kid, he pushing the limits, seeing what he can get away with." He paused and put a hand to Kirsten's face. "He won't get away with it. We'll put our foot down. He's seeing how far he can go, and it's time that we make sure that he knows that he's gone too far." Kirsten nodded, feeling immensely better already. Sandy was always so good at that. At making her feel better. She placed her glass of wine on the coffee table and leaned in to kiss him.

_"Mommy?" She felt a small tug on her blanket and opened her eyes to see a five-year-old Ryan standing at the edge of her bed. Blinking a few times to get used to the dark, Kirsten felt Sandy's strong arms around her and noticed that Ryan was clinging to the dinosaur that Sandy had brought back for him on his trip to New York a few weeks before. _

_"Hi baby, what's the matter?" She asked moving a little, which was enough to wake up Sandy who yawned and was about to ask his wife what the matter was, when he spotted his son. _

_"Buddy boy, what's the matter?" Sandy asked as he and Kirsten sat up and Kirsten reached down and scooped up Ryan and placed him in her lap. Ryan didn't have a chance to answer as clap of thunder echoed and shook the house. _

_"Honey, it's just a storm," Kirsten said as he buried his head in her nightgown. "We're safe in here. You're safe with me and Daddy. We would never let anything happen to you. We love you so much." _

_"I love you too," he replied wrapping his tiny arms around her neck. Sandy leaned and placed a kiss on the back of Ryan's neck. _

_"Do you want to sleep in here with me and Mommy?" Sandy asked his son, who nodded before snuggling underneath the covers next to his mother who wrapped her arms around his small body. Sandy placed a kiss on both their foreheads before lying back down. Thunder shook the house again and both Kirsten and Ryan flinched. They were just about back to sleep when there was a tug on Sandy's blanket._

_"Daddy?" Sandy turned to see Seth standing holding Captain Oats, his present from New York. _

_"Hey Seth," Sandy said as he picked him up. Kirsten smiled at her other son and lifted up the covers so that Seth could get in next to Ryan. Sandy made sure that the three were comfortable and warm and then slipped under the covers himself and smiled at his wife over their two little boys who had now fallen asleep. Sandy loved having all three within reach. His favorite times were when he had all three of the most important people to him within his grasp. Kirsten's slender hand reached across the boys and took his and he fell asleep holding her hand. _

After twenty minutes, Kirsten went to refill her glass and then began to pace the living room.

"Why isn't he home yet?"

"We gave him a half hour to get here," Sandy reminded her. "He's on his way home. Do you want to call Seth to make sure that he left on time?" He didn't get an actual answer from her, but she grabbed the phone off the hook and dialed Seth's number.

"Hello?" He answered on the third ring.

"Seth did your brother leave?" Kirsten asked.

"Yeah, he left like twenty minutes ago, he should be home any minute," Seth told her.

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, seriously Mom, he left twenty minutes ago," Seth assured her.

"Did you know that he was going to sneak out?" There was silence on the other end, which let her know that he did, indeed, know what his brother was up to.

"I'm sorry," Seth finally said. Kirsten sighed and pinched the top of her nose. She had the worst headache forming. In a twisted way she was happy that Seth would lie for his brother. It meant that maybe they were closer than Kirsten had first thought. After all, they grew up together, and they were blood related, there wasn't that constant need for acceptance and reassurance as there was in her world. Seth obviously didn't have that desperation for friendship, and Ryan didn't crave normalcy so much because here, with them, as a Cohen, he had normalcy, he had a brother whose idea of bonding didn't involve stealing a car. He had a mother whose idea of family time didn't involve him cleaning up after one of her benders, and he had a father who…who was there.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow," Kirsten finally said and she sighed and hung up the phone.

"He left on time?"

"According to Seth, although Seth knew that he was going to sneak out tonight, so I don't know how much his word really means right now," Kirsten told him. Sandy patted the seat next to him, and Kirsten sat down and curled up next to him. "They should have stayed little forever." Sandy laughed.

"Have you conveniently forgotten their terrible twos?" Sandy asked her as he began to play with her hair. Kirsten laughed remembering the tantrums the two would throw when they didn't get their way.

"No, I remember," she told him. "How about we have them go back to say five or six and then stay at that age? That wasn't a bad age, right?" Sandy didn't answer at first and Kirsten remembered what had happened at that age. Her mother had died when the boys were that age. "I just miss being able to hold them in my arms, you know?"

"I know," he said dropping a kiss onto the top of her head. They returned to silence as they waited for Ryan.

_"Dad is going to teach me how to surf," thirteen year old Ryan told his mother bouncing with excitement. She hadn't seen him this happy about anything in quite some time. The teenage years had come into the Cohen house with a bang, turning both him and Seth from the nice little boys they had been, into some sort of mutant beings who could turn from nice to unpleasant in under three seconds. _

_"That's good honey, when is he doing that?"_

_"Tomorrow morning he's going to take me." Sandy swept into the kitchen and gave his wife a kiss good morning, and for once Ryan said nothing about the display of affection from his parents. _

_"Dad, are the waves going to be good?" Ryan asked._

_"I hope so buddy," Sandy said. _

_"Mom? Can you take me to get a wetsuit today?"_

_"Sure," Kirsten told him._

_"Great, I want one like Dad's, be sure to look at Dad's so that you know what kind I want." With that, Ryan left the kitchen to go get dressed and Sandy placed his arms around his wife._

_"He's a little excited huh?" He asked._

_"You've made his month," Kirsten said. "That's all he can talk about."_

_"Good. I asked Seth, but he just scowled at me."_

_"He has a girlfriend now," Kirsten reported with a smile. _

_"No!"_

_"Yes."_

_"Who's his girlfriend?"_

_"Summer Roberts? Neil's daughter. They're officially 'going out' as he puts it."_

_"Going where? He's thirteen." Kirsten threw her head back and laughed._

_"Well, when I asked a question along those lines he gave me his patented, 'Mo-om,' so I learned not to ask questions like that anymore." It was Sandy's turn to laugh just as Seth was coming into the kitchen._

_"Speak of the devil," Sandy whispered into Kirsten's ear._

_"Good morning honey, do you want to come to the mall with me and Ryan?" Kirsten asked pleasantly._

_"No," Seth answered immediately and then there was a pause. "Maybe." _

_"Well, let me know, we're getting a wet suit for your brother," Kirsten told him. "We could get you one too?"_

_"I don't want to learn to surf," Seth told her. "But…" Both his parents looked at him expectantly. "Can I take sailing lessons? Summer says…" He stopped and looked down at his shoes. "Anyway, can I take them?" Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a look and Kirsten shrugged, and Sandy nodded and then spoke up._

_"Sure, son, we'll get you some sailing lessons." Seth smiled at them, a real smile, a smile that Kirsten hadn't seen in awhile._

_"Thanks," he said as he grabbed a bagel and headed out of the kitchen._

_"I should get going," Sandy said leaning in and placing a kiss on her cheek. "I have to get some work done today." Kirsten frowned slightly._

_"It's Saturday."_

_"I know, but I have this new case. The kid turns eighteen next week, and he stole a car," Sandy said shaking his head. "His name is Trey, and talking to him is like talking to a wall, he just doesn't listen. But anyway, I'll be home around the same time you guys are back from the mall and maybe we'll talk the boys into going out for a nice dinner?" Kirsten grinned._

_"Sounds good to me," she answered as she gave him a kiss. "I better go look at your wetsuit. I have to have it memorized." She rolled her eyes and Sandy gave her a grin as she walked away. When Kirsten was dressed and ready, she came back downstairs to find both her sons waiting impatiently for her._

_"Mom, can we go now?" Seth asked. "We've been waiting forever."_

_"You've been waiting for like two minutes," Kirsten replied as she grabbed her purse and her keys and the three headed out towards the car._

_"Tell Seth to put his game away," Ryan complained once they were headed towards the mall. Seth, in the backseat, ignored his brother. "I was trying to talk to him, but he just kept playing that stupid game." It almost seemed to Kirsten that Ryan was simply bored and picking a fight with Seth just to have something to do. _

_"Honey, leave him alone," Kirsten said. "So Seth? Where did you want to go?"_

_"Can I just go and meet up with you guys later?" Seth asked. "I mean, I'm thirteen now. And I don't want to have to wait for Ryan to try on stupid wetsuits. It's so boring to just stand there waiting for him. And besides, do you think that I want to be caught shopping with my mother?" Apparently it was be a moody teenager day in Seth Cohen world. Kirsten took a deep breath, reminding herself of what she was like at thirteen, and then let it out. _

_"We'll see. I'll decide when we get there," she finally said. "But you have to be where I tell you to be when I tell you to be there, understand?" Seth looked almost surprised that his mother was even considering this. _

_"Understood," Seth replied returning his attention to his game. When they got to the mall, Kirsten told Seth that he could have forty minutes by himself._

"_Forty minutes Seth, if you aren't there in forty minutes I will send mall security to find you, and if you thought that being with me was embarrassing, just wait until they have you paged all over the mall," she warned, and Seth nodded, and hurried off to make the most of his forty minutes. Kirsten then took Ryan to the sporting goods store to buy the wetsuit. _

_A half hour and one wetsuit, identical to Sandy's, later, Kirsten and Ryan went to the fountain in the middle of the mall where they were supposed to meet Seth. Ryan couldn't keep his eyes off of his new wetsuit, he kept opening the bag and fingering the material and showing his mother._

"_You think the waves will be big?" He asked._

"_I don't know kiddo," she told him smiling._

"_Do you think that Dad will let me go again if I'm good at it?" _

"_I think that your dad would love to have you come with him again," Kirsten said to Ryan. Kirsten checked her watch. Seth had three and a half minutes. _

"_Do you think that I'm going to be good at it?" _

"_Yes."_

"_Will you come with us?" Kirsten wanted to say no, but Ryan looked so hopeful that she just gave him a small smile._

"_We'll see," she said falling back on a perennial parental favorite. The "We'll see" worked in all situations and was enough for the kid to stop bothering the parent about whatever it was that they were currently bothering them about. She spotted Seth hurrying over to the fountain, a bag from the department store in his hands._

"_I'm not late," were the first words out of his mouth._

"_I know you aren't," Kirsten said smiling._

"_Whatcha get?" Ryan asked trying to peer into his brother's bag._

"_Nothing," Seth said immediately defensive, holding the bag tightly to his chest._

"_Mom! Make him tell me what he bought!" Ryan whined. Kirsten ignored him._

"_How about we go get some burgers or something?" Kirsten suggested. As they headed towards the store Ryan grabbed the bag out of Seth's hands._

"_Hey give it back!" Seth cried reaching for it. It was too late, Ryan had already pulled out what was inside. A pair of earrings._

"_Who are these for? You?" Ryan teased._

"_No."_

"_Then who?"_

"_Ryan leave him alone," Kirsten warned. Seth grabbed back both the earrings and the bag. _

"_They're for Summer," Seth finally spoke up. He turned nervously to his mother. "Do you think she's going to like them?" Kirsten opened the bag and looked at the earrings and smiled at her son. _

"_I think she's going to love them," she assured him. Ryan was thoughtful for a minute._

"_Hey can we go back?"_

"_Why?" Kirsten asked._

"_I want to get a pair for Marissa," he stated simply. "Girls like having things that their friends have. And I want to ask her to go out with me." Kirsten wanted to laugh, but she instead nodded her head and they went back to the department store. When did her boys become so grown up? Buying presents for girls, wanting to off by themselves? They had grown up right in front of her, and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to make them small again and hold them in her arms. _

"Where is he?" Ryan was now fifteen minutes late, and Sandy was pacing in front of Kirsten who was nervously clutching a pillow.

"I'm calling him again," Sandy said. But once again Ryan's phone went straight to voice mail. Sandy tried Seth's phone, and Seth told him the same thing that he had told him five minutes before when he called, and that was that Ryan had left right after Sandy told him to, and that he should be home any minute.

After forty five minutes, Kirsten had reached full blown panic.

"What if something happened?" She asked Sandy who crossed over to her and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sure that he's okay," he told her.

"But…" She opened her mouth to say more when the doorbell rang. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a look before hurrying to the front door. As soon as Kirsten saw the police officer standing there, her heart dropped. And she barely heard the words, "son, car accident, killed on impact" before dropping to her knees and sobbing. Sandy stood in shock for a moment before dropping down next to his wife and pulling her into his arms. He didn't understand why she kept saying it, but she kept repeating the same thing over and over again.

"I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go back."


	8. Numb

I meant to get this up sooner, but then I took what I had written and completely erased it all and rewrote it. So sorry about that, but the good news is by me doing that it's going to be at least one more chapter longer than I had originally going to have it be. So there's that, at least. Also so much is happening, we're figuring out housing, and registration starts tomorrow (I'm starting to ask myself who I pissed off that all the classes I need are all at the same time. I mean seriously, ALL the classes are at the same time. What the hell! Someone explain that to me), and then of course St. Patrick's day had me celebrating being Irish…quite a bit actually, and now I'm rambling and I'm sorry. Enjoy! And please review!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Truly I don't.

* * *

Sandy held his wife as she sobbed into his arms. He was in a state of shock.

His son was dead.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen?" The police officer said gently. "Whenever you are ready we're going to need for you to come down to the hospital and sign some papers." Papers. Papers that said her son was dead. Kirsten's head was spinning.

_I want to go back. _

It was on a constant loop through her brain. She would have gladly taken the bad with the good in this world, she would have gladly accepted the bad things that came with Ryan being her son.

But she would not accept this. There had to be some way to go back. Some way to go back to where Ryan was living. Crappy past or Cohen past, she just needed Ryan to be okay. Maybe she wasn't supposed to be his mother, maybe her and Sandy were simply supposed to help him in the years that he had left in childhood. Maybe she had wished for too much, wanted too much, and this was her punishment.

Punish me, she begged silently to whatever deity would listen. Bring Ryan back, and punish me.

Sandy helped her to her feet, and Kirsten got control of herself.

"We need to call Seth," she said quietly. Sandy didn't make a move towards the phone, allowing Kirsten instead to take it and dial Seth's number.

"Hello?" Seth answered, and his voice sounded annoyed. Annoyed that his parents were once again calling him to see if Ryan left. Like he was his brother's keeper. Summer asked who it was and Seth mouthed that it was his parents again with a roll of the eye.

"Seth," Kirsten's voice was barely above a whisper and Seth knew that something was wrong. Very wrong.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"Seth, I need you to come home," Kirsten said. She couldn't tell him over the phone. Couldn't tell him that his brother was dead. That her son was dead.

"Mom? What's the matter?" Seth repeated. Next to him, Summer looked at him confused, and mouthed, "What's wrong?" Seth just shook his head.

"Seth, I can't…not over the phone…"

"Did something happen to Ryan, Mom?" Seth questioned. He was answered with silence, and he knew that he had been right. Something was the matter with Ryan.

"Please…"

"I'm coming home," Seth promised.

"Be careful," Kirsten said. She couldn't lose both sons. She wouldn't be able to handle that. She would simply fall apart.

"I will, I'll be home." Kirsten hung up the phone with shaking hands.

"What caused the accident?" Sandy asked finally coming out of his state of shock.

"It seems that he swerved into the other lane, and ran into an 18 wheeler," the officer said.

"Why would he do that?" Sandy asked accusingly as if it was the police officer's fault that Ryan was dead. As if Sandy just needed someone, anyone to blame, and the police officer was the nearest person. Why would Ryan do something like that? Kirsten knew the answer, and she knew that her husband knew the answer too.

He had been drinking. He had been drinking and driving. Hadn't they just lectured him the week before about drinking and driving?

They should have gone to get him at Luke's. They should have gone instead of letting him come home on his own.

This was her fault. Their fault. They screwed up and now he was dead.

"It seems that he had been drinking, sir," the officer answered. Her son was now going to the example that they taught to the local high school kids. Don't drink and drive. Ryan Cohen drank and drove. Ryan Cohen is dead.

He was a statistic now.

Kirsten didn't know how long it took Seth to get home, she knew that when the door opened and he stepped in, she threw her arms around him.

Her living son.

One dead, one living son.

This wasn't fair. This wasn't right.

_I want to go back._

"What happened to Ryan?" Seth asked immediately.

"He was in a car accident, honey," Kirsten said still with her arms tightly around him. She was making sure that she still heard his heartbeat. That he was still alive. Seth pulled back slightly, and his face was pale.

"Is he okay?" He asked. Kirsten and Sandy said nothing, and Kirsten turned her head away and wiped away a tear. "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God." Seth bolted towards the first floor powder room and Kirsten could hear him retching. Sandy went to check on him, and Kirsten knew that she should too, that the three of them had to stick together, but she couldn't make her legs move. Instead she stood there, her hand to her mouth, and the police officers stood across from her, uncomfortably looking around the large house, and reminding themselves to go home and check on their own kids and to lecture them on being responsible about drinking.

When Sandy and Seth emerged from the bathroom, they followed the cops out to the cruiser and climbed in. None of the Cohens trusted themselves to drive. They arrived at the hospital, and Sandy wrapped his arm around his wife and son, and Kirsten was immensely grateful for the support. She didn't think she could walk on her own. The doctor told them that they could see the body, say goodbye. Kirsten didn't know if she wanted to do that. She didn't know if she wanted to make it so final, but she didn't know if she couldn't. She needed to touch his face one more time. Seth and Sandy had both said that they would like that, and Kirsten found that to be a funny choice of words. They would like to see the body of their son and brother. They would like that.

She wouldn't like that. She didn't like anything at that point. No, she wouldn't like that, and she didn't want to see the body, but she _had_ to.

"It's my fault," Seth suddenly whispered as they made their way down the cold and sterile hall.

"What are you talking about?" Sandy asked.

"I let him leave. I knew that he had been drinking. I knew it, and still let him walk away. It's my fault. I just figured…you guys were so mad anyway, and I didn't think that he had that much…and now…" Seth stopped and began to sob into his hands.

Ryan was dead, and there needed to be a reason, someone to blame. Instead of blaming each other, they were blaming themselves. Kirsten and Sandy because they could have gone to pick him up, and Seth because he could have stopped him from driving and called his parents instead. But no one mentioned who they were all really blaming.

They all blamed Ryan.

For sneaking out of the house.

For driving home drunk.

For swerving into the other lane.

For being dead.

"It's not your fault," Sandy said to Seth, wrapping his free arm around Seth's shoulders that were now heaving up and down. Sandy was freely and silently crying. Kirsten wondered if they would ever stop crying. Would it ever not hurt like it was hurting now? Would they ever stop blaming themselves? Could they ever forgive Ryan for dying?

_I want to go back. _

"I don't want to do this," Kirsten said softly.

"You don't have to," Sandy told her, letting go of Seth to envelope her in a hug. He held onto her desperately, and reluctantly let go. "You can stay out here. We'll come out when we're done…." _Saying goodbye…. _Kirsten finished the sentence in her head. She shook her head vehemently.

"No, I should…I mean, I have to…I mean….God, I don't know what I mean. I can't…I don't…" Sandy wrapped his arms around her again.

"It's okay, I'm here, we're here. We're going to get through this together." But Kirsten didn't want to get through anything. She wanted to go home. She wanted to go home where Ryan was still alive. Where this was just a terrible dream. But instead, she just nodded, and took his hand and gave it a squeeze, and then took Seth's hand, and the three walked towards the door behind which her son's body was. Kirsten was sure that she didn't want to do this. She couldn't do this, and yet she found herself moving forward with Sandy and Seth.

It was almost as if her legs were moving her forward without her brain consenting to it. No, her mind screamed, stop! Stop moving forward! But her legs disobeyed until they had reached the door where they would go into and say goodbye to Ryan.

Sandy turned the doorknob and they walked into the room and Kirsten saw the body and her mind and body both froze. She was acutely aware of Seth rushing to the garbage can and throwing up once again, she heard Sandy's cries become louder, as he gasped for breaths.

And then her knees went weak and everything went black.

* * *

Okay, sorry that this was a little on the short side, I'm working on the next chapter, I promise, and this seemed like the best place to end this chapter. So go forth and review, and I'd be ever so appreciative. Gracias! 


	9. Waking up

Okay, here is the next chapter. Please review and let me know what you think. I hope that this appeases some of you out there. So review please! Thanks!

Disclaimer: Oh, right, I don't own them.

* * *

"How is she?" Kirsten couldn't tell whose voice that was, but she knew that they were talking about her. She couldn't open her eyes either. She felt like one hundred pound weights were weighing down her eyelids.

"I don't know," that was her husband's voice. She would know his voice anywhere."She has really woken up yet and been coherent." What had happened? In an instant it all came back to her.

Ryan was dead.

Now she really didn't want to open her eyes, she didn't want to open her eyes and be reminded that she had wished for this. That her wish had ended up having Ryan killed. The last thing that she remembered was walking over to the metal table where Ryan's body was to say goodbye to him.

That must be why she felt so disoriented. She had passed out, and she must be only waking up now. She wondered how long she had been out, and she wished that she wouldn't have to wake up now. Sandy's voice sounded funny to her. Almost fuzzy and far away.

"Her fever is down to 102.9," Sandy's voice again. What was he talking about? Fever? "She had the flu earlier in the week, right after her birthday, but the fever wasn't getting any better. And she was delirious, in fact, she was just muttering, 'I want to go back,' just a little while ago. Not sure what that means." She felt his cool hand touch her cheek.

"When did you bring her in? Why didn't you call me?" It was her father's voice that she was hearing, she finally placed it. He seemed angry. What was Sandy talking about? She didn't have a fever. She wasn't sick. Her son was dead. She was grieving, but not sick.

"I'm sorry Cal, you know she's been sick all week, and then yesterday she started to cough this awful dry heaving cough, and her fever reached 104.4 and the doctor told me to rush her to the emergency room, by the time her fever broke and she was stabilized it was the middle of the night and I figured it would be better just to wait until morning," Sandy said. "I should have called, I'm sorry." Kirsten was so confused, she struggled to open her eyes and she saw Sandy's eyes peering at her, worry evident.

"Sandy?" She said hoarsely.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?" Sandy asked, running a hand through her blonde hair.

"Where am I?" She looked around the room confused as to her surroundings.

"The hospital honey, you had a really high fever and we had to bring you in," Sandy told her. "But you're okay. You have pneumonia, you got hit pretty hard. You're going to have to stay off your feet for awhile."

"Ryan," Kirsten said immediately.

"He and Seth are coming down in a little while. They both wanted to be here last night, but they weren't allowed to stay in the room with you, so I sent them home to get some sleep. You had us all a little worried honey." Ryan was alive. Ryan was not lying on some slab in the hospital after having crashed his car driving home drunk. He was okay. He was alive.

"Ryan's okay?" Kirsten questioned a small smile of relief forming on her face.

"He's worried about you, but other than that he's okay," Sandy told her, confusion now replacing the worry that had been written on his face.

"Oh thank God," Kirsten breathed. The door opened to her room, and Seth peeked his head around.

"Can we come in?" He asked.

"Sure," Sandy said as both Seth and Ryan walked in. Kirsten had a flash and suddenly saw him lying on the metal table, and a few tears escaped and rolled down her face.

"Kiki? What's the matter? Are you in pain?" Caleb demanded.

"No, no I'm fine, I'm sorry," Kirsten hurriedly wiped the tears, but she began to cough violently, and Sandy reached for an oxygen mask and placed it over her face and instructed her to take deep breaths. Ryan and Seth exchanged a nervous glance, and then approached the bed cautiously, looking for a cue from their father that it was okay to come near her. Ryan reached out as if he was afraid she was made of glass and would break at the slightest touch and placed a hand on her arm.

"I'm glad that you are awake, Kirsten," Ryan said as he gave her arm a gentle squeeze. Kirsten. He had called her Kirsten. Not Mom. Kirsten. She was back in her world. He was alive. And that was all that mattered.

Maybe it was supposed to be this way.

Maybe he was supposed to have this awful childhood. Maybe everything happened for a reason, and her wishing for something different or more was too much. Maybe everything had made him stronger, or made him better. She still wished that he hadn't had to go through all that pain, she would have gladly traded places with him, and taken the abuse for him, but maybe even Ryan wouldn't trade his past. Maybe he thought about the same way, that he could fully appreciate things now that he wouldn't have been able to. Maybe in some ways, Ryan even pitied Seth and her because they had never had it rough, and had nothing to compare it to. Sandy had once said that the good in his life wouldn't have been nearly as good if he didn't have the bad to compare it to. Perhaps Ryan would feel the same way someday, if he didn't already now. She didn't know. All she knew was that he was alive, and she suddenly extremely grateful that she didn't have to figure out how to live in a world where he was dead.

She took off the oxygen mask and gave him a small smile back.

"So what were you dreaming about honey?" Sandy asked taking a seat next to her bed and stroking a finger over her hand. "You kept mumbling that you wanted to go back somewhere. Where were you talking about?" Kirsten wanted to tell Sandy about it. The dream that was so real. The dream that had felt and looked and was so very real. But she couldn't tell it in front of Ryan. So instead she shrugged.

"I have no idea," she lied. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, and only flinched slightly at how warm it was.

"You should get some rest," Sandy told her. She nodded and both her boys gave her a hug and walked out of the room, giving her a small wave as they went.

"I'll be leaving too," Caleb said leaning down and placing a kiss on her forehead. "I'll see you later Kiki. Feel better."

"Thanks Dad," she said softly as he left the room. Sandy sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"You scared the shit out of me," he told her.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "When do I get out of here?"

"Tomorrow, they just want to make sure that they've got the fever under control, and then they'll give you a prescription for antibiotics, and you'll be good to go. Of course, you'll be on bed rest, and don't even think about doing work young lady."

"Yes sir." She began to cough again and groaned. "This is really going to suck isn't it?" Sandy chuckled softly and gave her a kiss.

"I'm so sorry that it hurts baby, I would change places with you in a heartbeat if I could," Sandy rumbled into her ear. She wanted to tell him about her dream, right then. It was the perfect time, but she felt the pain medication start to kick in, and she could only mumble,

"I love you," before she fell asleep.

She was woken up again by what Sandy referred to as a "coughing episode." He was right there next to her, with a glass of water, rubbing a hand over her back and offering her the oxygen mask, which she waved away as she gasped in deep breaths.

Once she had stopped, she lay back down and gave Sandy a weak smile.

"Where are the boys?" She didn't want to let Ryan out of her sight even for a moment. She didn't want to remember seeing him dead. She wanted to permanently block that out of her brain. It hadn't even happened, right? So why was she still remembering it clear as day?

"They went home to get some pajamas and things for you," Sandy told her. "How are you feeling?"

"Eh," she replied.

"Well, good news, your fever is down to 102.1," he grinned at her.

"That's good news? That's what you cook a chicken at," Kirsten responded. He laughed.

"But it's going down, and that's the important part," Sandy said leaning forward and giving her a kiss on the forehead.

"Was I really out of it?" Kirsten said after a pause. Sandy nodded.

"You kept mumbling, and then yesterday you started crying in your sleep, I thought it was just from the pain," he said.

"No. I was having…God, it felt so much more real than a dream, and Ryan…he was ours. I mean, I had given birth to him, and… he…God, Sandy, he died." She shuddered at the thought, and a few tears escaped. He placed his finger under the tears and wiped them away. "It was awful."

"I can imagine."

"It was great up until that point. You know? He called me mom, he was so confident, and then…we got this knock on the door that he had been in an accident…" She trailed off and closed her eyes. "It just felt so…real to me." He was interrupted from saying anything by the door opening up.

"Hey, you're awake again," Ryan said as he and Seth stepped in the room. Seth was holding a bag, and he placed it on the empty chair in the corner.

"We brought you nice warm pj's like Dad requested," Seth said. "And Mom, I apologize for having to go through your pajama drawer, and I want to say that I think that those little silky and lacy…rags that you keep in there for cleaning, which is the only purpose for them that I can think of that doesn't make me puke, should be gotten rid of. Immediately." Sandy shook his head vehemently, and Kirsten and Ryan shared a smile as Seth gagged. Kirsten placed a hand to her head, and Sandy jumped into overprotective mode.

"Are you okay? Does your head hurt? Do you need something for it? Do you want me to get the nurse? Do you need the boys to leave?" He wasn't offering to leave, because there was no way that he was leaving her.

"No, my head just hurts a little bit, calm down." She placed a hand on his arm, which seemed to do the trick. She couldn't stop staring at Ryan, and she knew that she was making him uncomfortable, as he squirmed under her glaze.

Kirsten had never been so happy to see anyone in her entire life, and she didn't care if her staring at him made him uncomfortable. She didn't want to let him out of her sight for even a moment.

"Well, we'll let you change," Ryan said. "We're going to head down to the cafeteria. Sandy, Kirsten? Do you guys want or need anything?"

"I could go for a coffee kid," Sandy requested.

"No problem," Ryan grinned at the two of them as he and Seth walked out of the hospital room.

"I can't stop looking at him," Kirsten said. "I feel as if I should memorize his face."

"That dream must have been a doozey," Sandy commented taking her hand.

"You have no idea," Kirsten replied.

* * *

I think there's going to be at least another chapter after this one, so leave me a review and let me know what you thought. I hope you enjoyed it. I wanted to have some way for her to go back, but it not just be a dream, because it felt more real than a dream. So anyway, review please! And have a great Easter weekend, or if you don't celebrate Easter, have a great weekend in general! 


	10. Something Beautiful

Okay children. Last chapter. So I hope that you enjoy, and thanks so very much for reviewing. That was awesome. Knocked my socks off. Really. So I'm starting to think of all the papers and tests that are going to be due within the next three weeks, and my head hurts. I'll probably be procrastinating, so you'll probably see a new story from me….but anyway, I digress. Read, review, and enjoy! I'm off to class, and maybe I'll convince my professor to teach outside, because it is a gorgeous day! I'll probably be distracted then, so maybe that's not such a good idea.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Really not mine.

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_If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely  
Can't control it - try as you might  
May you find that love that won't leave you  
May you find it by the end of the day  
You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely  
Something beautiful will come your way- Robbie Williams_

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Kirsten smiled as she handed the book that Ryan had bought for her as a get-well present to Sandy to place in her bag to go home.

"I think you'll like it," he said shyly as he handed it to her. "I just thought that you were going to be taking it easy for awhile and might get a little bored."

"Thank you so much sweetheart," Kirsten had said wrapping her arms around him. He had, thankfully, been very patient about her new habit of hugging him every time she saw him, which she appreciated very much, as she couldn't stop hugging him. She couldn't stop touching him, making sure that he was real. That he was alive and okay.

"You ready to blow this popsicle stand?" Sandy asked as he leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She nodded, and started coughing, and Sandy rubbed her back for her. "I wish I could trade places with you."

"I wouldn't let you," she told him giving him a small smile. "But yes, I am ready to go home. I can't wait to go home."

"Then let's go," Sandy said helping her into the wheelchair and wheeling her out to the car. They drove home in relative silence, with the exception of a coughing fit from Kirsten.

"In the words of Seth," she said as they pulled up to their house. "Pneumonia really sucks." Sandy laughed and turned off the car and hurried to her side to help her out. They slowly walked to the house, and when they opened the door, they were surprised to see a banner welcoming Kirsten home, and balloons everywhere.

"Did the boys do this?" She asked Sandy who just shrugged in response.

"I would guess yes, but I'm not entirely sure." Kirsten just beamed at the homemade sign and glanced around, not seeing either of the boys, as Sandy continued to help her up the stairs to their bedroom. Halfway up the stairs, Kirsten began to cough again, and it had moved from the dry heaving cough that it had been, into a wet, deep cough that broke Sandy's heart. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her the rest of the way.

"Mom!" Seth and Ryan were both in the bedroom playing cards when Sandy and Kirsten walked in. "Welcome home!"

"Thanks honey," she said as Sandy tucked her in and got her situated. "And thank you both for the sign."

"The girls' idea," Ryan replied shrugging. "But I'm glad that you liked it." Kirsten nodded, and reached out her hand to place overtop of his.

"I did," she told him. She gave his hand a squeeze, before reaching over and doing the same to Seth.

"You should get some rest," Sandy spoke up after a moment. "You need to sleep."

"Can we get you anything?" Ryan asked. "A glass of water?"

"Rosa made some soup, it'll be ready for you when you wake up," Seth chimed in.

"Great," Kirsten said yawning. She was completely zapped of all her energy and wondered if she was going to feel this tired and weak until she got over this. Sandy leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of her head, and ushered the boys out of her bedroom giving her time to sleep.

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It was Ryan who brought the soup up to her. He somehow felt more connected to her. He was chalking it up to purely the fact that she had gotten sick. When Sandy had burst into the pool house breathless in the middle of the night telling him that Kirsten was running a high fever and he had to take her to the emergency room, Ryan felt his heart stop, and was more terrified than he had ever been before in his life. Surely, that had to explain this feeling that Ryan had, that he shouldn't leave her side, that he had to convince her that he was still here. Which was ridiculous, she could see that he was still there, and yet she kept touching him, hugging him, as if reminding herself that he was still there, and he found himself not only willing to let her, but craving the physical contact as well.

He opened the door to her bedroom quietly and looked in to find her curled up on Sandy's side of the bed, sleeping peacefully. He hated to wake her up, but Sandy had said that she also needed to eat, as she hadn't really had anything, or held anything down in the past week.

"Kirsten?" Ryan said softly moving towards her. "I brought you soup. Sandy said that you have to eat it." It was a weird change for him. He was taking care of Kirsten. Kirsten, who always took care of everyone else. Who always worried about everyone else before she worried about herself. And here Ryan was, taking her soup, making sure that she ate it. Being the adult. Like with his mother, and he had to bring her Tylenol and water after she had a rough night.

He had to be the adult with his mother, and he was choosing to be the adult here. And that made all the difference. He wanted to help Kirsten. She stirred in her sleep and sleepily opened her eyes.

"Kirsten?" Ryan tried again. "Sandy said that you have to eat this soup." Kirsten nodded, and Ryan placed the soup on the nightstand next to her, and placed pillows behind her and helped her sit up.

"Thanks honey," she said hoarsely. Her throat was killing her, and she was thankful to see that next to the soup on the tray there sat a pile of cough drops and a cup of tea.

"No problem," he replied smiling at her. "How are you feeling?" As soon as he asked it, he shook his head. "Stupid question, you probably feel like you've just been hit by an 18 wheeler." The words sent shivers down Kirsten's spine and she nearly choked on the tea that she was drinking. Ryan noticed her stiffen and immediately berated himself for doing something wrong. He wasn't sure what it was exactly that he had done, but whatever it was it had upset Kirsten. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Kirsten asked recovering and forcing a smile. He hadn't known the effect of his words. He hadn't realized that she had this dream that felt so real that even now she still questioned whether or not it had actually happened.

Of course it hadn't happened, she reminded herself. That's crazy. It was just a delirious dream. Nightmare actually. Well, the end had been nightmarish, the rest had been quite nice.

"I don't know…I just…" Ryan trailed off, and became very interested in studying his shoes.

"Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong," Kirsten assured him. "I just had a nightmare about…an accident." She shrugged. "But it was just a dream, right?" Ryan nodded.

"Right." He didn't ask her what the dream was about. He didn't want to upset her further. "Anyway, eat some soup, otherwise Sandy will have my head." Kirsten smiled and shook her head imagining her husband telling Ryan that he had to get Kirsten to eat the soup or else there would be hell to pay.

"Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?" Kirsten said picking up the spoon.

"Wouldn't want what?" Seth entered her room carrying a laptop. "Dad claims that he knows you so well that he knew that you wouldn't be able to resist doing some work while you were bedridden. He was afraid that you would try to get up and go to the study, and to cut you off at the pass, he told me to come bring the laptop up for you so that you won't leave the bed." Seth shrugged. "So how well does he know you?" Kirsten had to admit that she had already planned a break for the study, but didn't want to give Sandy the satisfaction.

"Don't let him know, but he has me pretty well pegged," Kirsten admitted.

"Ha!" Came Sandy's voice from the door.

"Oh God, there'll be no living with him now," Kirsten said shaking her head. Sandy laughed and came over to the bed and sat down beside her.

"Because you're sick, I'll give you a reprieve," he promised her, giving her a kiss on the temple. "How's the soup? Rosa promised me that it was the very best she had ever made."

"It's very good," she told him. "Make sure you tell Rosa that it was excellent." Kirsten continued to eat soup as her boys sat around her and talked and laughed, and she basked in having all three of them.

Ryan was laughing at Seth, and she remembered the awful feeling of realizing that she would never get to hear his laugh again. Or see his smile. She remembered that feeling, and knew that never again would she want to feel it.

"We should let you sleep," Ryan said suddenly. Kirsten had finished her soup, and Sandy had placed the bowl back on the tray and she was slowly drifting back off to sleep.

"No," she said sleepily. "Stay here please."

"Are you sure?" Seth asked as he watched his father tuck the blankets around his mother and lean down and place a kiss on her lips.

"I'm sure," she said nodding slightly. She wanted to remain close to her. She wanted to be able to open her eyes at any given moment and see them, all three of them, there with her. And she knew that this wouldn't last. Soon she would be feeling better and life would resume as normal, with Seth and Ryan off with their girlfriends, or in their own little worlds, and she and Sandy back at work. But for right now, she wanted them here, with her. She wanted to block out the dream from her mind.

Sandy was sitting next to her, sitting against the headboard, one of his hands absentmindedly playing with her hair. Seth was down at the end of the bed, lying on his stomach, his feet dangling off the side, and Ryan had pulled up a chair, and had his feet carefully on the bed by Kirsten, and he was being extra careful not to move them too much and accidentally kick her.

Ryan wasn't her son by blood. Someone else had given birth to him. He called someone else "mom." But she loved him just the same. And she did wish still that there could be someway that he had could have been protected from all the pain that he went through as a child. She wished that maybe she and Sandy could have gotten to him sooner, wished that he could be a little more confident with them, place a little more trust perhaps that they were there for him.

But she would take what she could get. There was good and bad to everything. She would deal with the bad. She would deal with the fact that Ryan had grown up somewhere else. That he had parents who took him for granted and abused him. She wouldn't be happy about it, but she would deal with it. Because look what she got in return. A great kid. A wonderful, thoughtful, amazing, kid. And maybe she still wished sometimes that he was hers, that she could go back and replace his terrible childhood with a better one. But it couldn't happen. She couldn't go back and change things, she wasn't even sure anymore that she would if she could.

What they had, the four of them, was amazing. They were closer than any other family she knew. The relationship between Seth and Ryan was the most incredible she had ever seen. She watched them laugh and joke, and felt Sandy's hand take hers and give it a squeeze, and she knew that something good had come out of Ryan not being hers.

Something beautiful.

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Okay, that's it kids. Please review and let me know what you thought of it. I really think that I should try to convince my professor to have class outside. Even though it's a film class, because really, she could just act out the scenes for us, right? Yeah, I don't think she'll go for it. 


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